I'll Be Holding on to You

attention whore

My face was hot. "Yeah," I said. "She's bold." I hit the cigarette. "I still kind of want to choose Gage. Or, like, why can't I have both? Fucking life, being all unfair and shit."

"Fuckin' life," he echoed, too agreeably for my liking.

"You are laughing at me, Mohammed."

"I am." He nudged me. "I'm glad you're having fun."

"I'm having something," I said. I yawned. "I'm so tired. All I had was nightmares last night, it was like not sleeping at all. But scarier."

He took a drag, handed it back. "About R-Robbie?" He spit on the ground after saying the name and I felt a rush of solidarity.

"Yeah." My stomach turned, thinking about it.

"I'm sorry," he offered. The cigarette was gone and he put it in a can. "Why were you thinking about him? You weren't, I mean . . . w-w-we can't talk about it t-to anyone," he said, almost apologetically.

"Mohammed. I would never fucking talk about it with anyone," I said, flushed again. Partly because I was indignant he felt he had to say it, and partly because I had very well talked about it even if it wasn't in detail.

He knew but he wasn't going to push it. I could tell he was scared.

I took a deep breath. "Dude. She asked me to come over. Apparently I looked all freaked out or something, okay?" I pulled my vape pen out, not wanting to have this conversation, but owing it to him. He could go to jail forever for his part that night if anyone ever found out. "So I just said there'd been a guy, and he was in jail. I know I shouldn't have said even that much, I don't know what I was thinking."

He was still uneasy but managed to tease me. "You're in looove," he mocked. "Not thinking straight. I blame ya girl."

"Hardly," I scoffed. "In lust, maybe."

"I was talking about with my sister," he came back, but under his breath. I flipped him off. "C'mon, Ol' Magic Hands," he said, getting up. "Back to the group."

Freddy had moved to the couch to sleep and was already snoring. Cam had taken his place on the bean bag chair, slender form curled up with Evie. Bowser was on the other side of him. It was a good thing Freddy didn't have a jealous bone in his body, because there had never been anything romantic between Cam and Evie but they were like yin and yang. They balanced each other out when it was needed.

Erika was gone and Mo stretched out on the other couch. "Night," he said, shaking his head at me and my complicated as fuck love life. I hugged him and almost-asleep Cameron and mentally took the stairs two at a time. Physically, my ass was dragging, though my heart did speed up when I saw Freak curled under my blankets, playing a game on her phone.

"You smell like an ashtray," she said absently, not looking up. She was wearing the red lace up tank top to bed. So I could lay awake avoiding that temptation all night, great.

"Shut up," I said automatically, but went and brushed my teeth again and washed my face and sprayed air freshener.

"Better," she allowed as I climbed into bed. "Hey! Stop it. You're fuckin' cold. Girl!"

"Sorry, not sorry," I said cheerfully, as usually she was the one putting her cold feet on me. "Karma."

"Dammit, Dorienne. What the hell," she said, but gave up and allowed me to wrap my legs with hers. Heaven. She exited the game and put her phone down. "Homegirl gonna survive without your good night makeout sesh?"

"Oh my God," I said helplessly. "Really?"

She rolled over so she was facing me. "Really," she said impishly.

"You're terrible."

Her smirk matched her twin's, but on her it was so fucking cute. "Mmm." She moved again so she lay on her stomach. "Rub me?"

"God, you're an attention whore," I said, exasperated but not unwilling.

"What are you, new here?"

"Shit." I gave in and massaged her shoulders.

She kept silent for almost two minutes but couldn't resist any longer after that. "Damn, Dory, is there anything you don't do?" she mimicked Mara perfectly, because she was a fucking mockingbird.

That pissed me off. "You're an asshole," I said, half meaning it, turning onto my other side. My cheeks were flaming. "I'm going to sleep."

After a minute she rolled over but I ignored her, my back to her. "Dory," she said. She poked my back. "I was just kidding."

"Shh," I said, which knew irritated her.

"Don't be pissy," she implored.

"I wasn't before," I said, my meaning clear.

"I totally like Mara. I was just fucking with you. Don't be so sensitive." She tugged me insistently.

I rolled back over. "Rude," I said, pointedly. "If you really don't like her, it's okay. But you have to tell me now. None of this martyr shit where you hate her but put up with her because I like her. Don't do that to me."

She raised her eyebrows, the corners of her mouth rising. "Dorienne, I like your new girlfriend. I swear. I'm just, like you said, an asshole." She winked at me and rolled back onto her stomach. "Good night."

I fumed a little more. "She's nice," I said, not at all what I meant.

"She's delightful," she said, no trace of sarcasm in her voice. "You're going to sleep, remember?"

"One of these days, Alice," I said threateningly, a line from an old show. "I swear."

"Yeah, yeah, to the moon," she said, yawning. "So when are you getting that tongue ring?"

Just the thought of having a tongue ring and showing her thing things I could do with it gave me chills up my spine and heat in other areas. "Good night, Erika," I said firmly. I'd dated two girls before, when I was seventeen, and one of them had had a tongue ring that had rocked my world. The memories themselves were arousing.

"I'm cold. Snuggle me." She turned on her side, away from me.

"You're under a hot electric blanket, and oh yeah, I'm mad at you right now."

"No you're not." She reached behind her and found my arm and pulled it over her. "I said I was sorry."

"You didn't even say that, actually." But I moved so we were spoons in a drawer, and fervently hoped, as I always did, she could not feel my heart beating too fast.

She sighed contentedly, having gotten her way as she always did, and tucked her hands under her cheek. The smell of lavender roses filled my senses. "Didn't I," she said, sleepily.

My eyes were already closed. I mentally crossed my fingers in hopes of normal or even good dreams.