Exile

Stop Running Away

I grit my teeth and storm out of there. I slip into the backseat of my car and lock the doors. I don't want anyone to come in and trouble me. Only when my music starts playing the edge start to come off. Télépopmusik, Sarah Brightman, Goldfrapp, and Enigma are my go-to artists for relaxation. There is no anger in the world that these artists can't ease me from.

Though, I'm a little more embarrassed than angry.

If I were in love with anyone else, I think I'd be just as bubbly as she is. I was with Mike – I couldn't stop talking about how lucky I was to be dating him (I admit now that I was delusional and horny as hell). But because it's Alex, it's trickier. First all, it's Alex, always accused of riding Andrew's coattails and mercilessly teased by everyone except for Emily and I. Second, no one knows about our close relationship – well, Emily knows, but she doesn't know that it's Alex I'm referring to. Third, there's the age difference. He's three years younger than I am – a drop in the bucket compared to other relationships in the world, but when compounded with the other two reasons, it's a little peculiar.

Okay, I'm lying. I'm lying. I'm embarrassed because of how strong my feelings are. I don't understand how my feelings can be so strong for another person. Just the mere thought of him makes me shiver. The intensity – it's…holy shit. Sometimes, when I think of him, that intensity threatens to relieve me of my senses.

If I had to use a line to describe the feeling, "The River Merchant's Wife: A Letter" by Ezra Pound comes to mind.

"I desired my dust to be mingled with yours/For ever and for ever and for ever."

I hyperventilate just thinking about it.

It's one thing to be in lust with someone. That's easy. All you want to do is jump bones and get off. But it's totally different when you're really in love with someone. Oh sure, there's time for lust. Again, that's easy. But to be connected with someone in the most intimate of ways, to caught in one moment in time with someone you can't imagine living life without is another matter entirely.

I never felt that way with Mike. I never felt that way with any of the guys I dated in Vancouver, or even with the one serious relationship I managed to have.

Only Alex makes me feel that way – before I left and after. On one hand, it excites me. On the other hand, it frightens me. Hell, it frightened me enough to run away to another country because I was terrified.

There is something so embarrassing about letting the world know that someone has your completely. My mother always taught me to be a strong woman and that even if I fell in love that I should never lose myself to any man. I did that with Mike, and once I recognize my folly, I kicked his sorry ass to the curb. Alex would never expect me to do such a thing, but that's the thing. He would never have to ask me – I'd gladly do it anyway.

Ugh, why does love need to be so complicated and unexplainable?

Stop running away, Télépopmusik sings to me.

Oh, shut up, what do you know? The myth that all French people are romantic is just that – a myth.

All we need is peace of mind…

Stop running away…

Look at this song trying to tell me how to live my life…

The tapping of the window causes me to scream and I jump up in fright. Alex is outside, eyes wide and apologetic. "Elodie, I am so sorry! I didn't mean to scare you!"

I sigh in relief. "Ah, it's okay. It's not your fault I'm such a space cadet tonight." I filled with another kind of fright. "What's up?"

"I came out to see if you were okay."