High on love

Brixton Station

Friday 11th December 2015

I usually just check my skype notifications on the phone and reply on there while I'm at work, but this day I went to Skype for Web from my work computer (and this is big knowing I'm very paranoid and scared to do something not allowed at work). I didn't work much this afternoon. For a few reasons. First of all, my manager wasn't there. Loads of people were not there, it was the day after the xmas party and people took it off. It was quite relaxed, we even got a free breakfast at the office. The few of us there were quite tired and in holiday mood. I talked with Heloise on skype the whole afternoon and we got to a few topic that I didn't like. She was saying that internet friends, like we were, are not reliable. That we could lose track of them so easily and never have any news from one day to the next. I wanted to tell her that it won't happen to us, but I didn't. I was going along with her, because what she was saying was true. I had a lots of role playing friend with who I spoke loads for a few months and then all of the sudden nothing. I moved on of course, they were just role playing friends. I was pretty sad of this conversation, I almost wanted to cry at some point but I got myself together. I was in the middle of the open space, it wasn't the good time for a cry.

« Maybe in a year or two we'll barely remember each others. »

« Yeah maybe. We'll see. »

It was in 2015 and I certainly didn't forget her.

After this conversation it was perfectly clear that I needed to put some distance with her. It was too much of us. We talked and role played way too much, I felt nothing good would come out of it. Specially if she was thinking of me just like an internet friend. She was more than that to me. We were soul mates. For real. And this is big. I don't know many people who can say they've met one of their soul mates.

The conversation drifted on some totally common things. I was barely replying and getting involved. I was just going along with what she was saying. I was trying to work at the same time. I failed. I was decided to put distance between us, starting now.

4:00pm
« I'm off. Gonna try to actually get some work done. See you lateeeer. »
« Good luck, luv ya <3 »

She sent me a few other messages talking about what she was doing and I replied only later. I was on my way to Brixton where I had a raclette party planned with some french friends. Ok not all of them were french. Alexandra is actually portuguese, but she lived in France during her childhood so she's basically french (when it's convenient at least). Alexandra is one of my closest friends. I met her at my previous company. We worked together for a few years and we started hanging out with a bunch of other co-workers. We called our group « Breaktime » because at work we mostly hang out during breaks. Or at least I think that's where it's from. Bit by bit we all quit the company but we kept hanging out from time to time for lunch or just a drink. It's quite hard to get a time and place where we are all available. We planned stuff way in advance. Most of the time I was the one annoying them because I had too many things planned. Lots of gigs to go to in London. I had the time of my life there.

Alexandra is the only person I came out to when I discovered the label asexual. It felt right to tell her. I did it over Skype. That was easier. I'm better with written words. Actually my whole relationship with Heloise is based on writing. It feels a bit weird to reread our skype conversations while I'm writing this story. I have it all there. All our relationship is archived. Or most of it.

Tonight the raclette party was at Vanessa's. We used to work with her in that same company as Alexandra and all my Breaktime friends. I didn't know where she lived, only knew it was in Brixton. Alex knew the place so we would meet at the station and go together. I was as usual in advance, and I was waiting for Alexandra in front of the Sainsbury next to Brixton Station. I had my phone with me so it was alright. I opened Skype and start chatting with Heloise. Of course. Then I saw a message from Alexandra saying she'll be late (as usual, that was her thing). I didn't mind, I had Heloise to talk to and internet to browse on my phone. Yes I was already thinking of talking to her even though I decided to put some distance between us. What do you want. I'm weak. We got to talk again about our afternoon conversation and it shifted to what we felt for each others.

Her : « You're gonna say I'm hitting on you. »
« You like hitting on me. »
« I'm hitting on you? xD »
« You just said it! You like innuendos. We had fun yesterday. »
« Not gonna argue. As long as me hitting on you doesn't work. »
« Don't you worry. But thanks for checking. »
« The day it'll work, I'll be worried. »
« Same the other way around. »
« You are not hitting on me. »
« I played along. But it's cool if you don't count it as hitting on you. »
« Well, it was like role playing. »

She paused and started again.

« Saying that I'm not attracted to you would be a lie. »

We saw each others on webcam a few times.

« Are you serious ? »
« Dead serious. But don't worry I'm not gonna jump on you in April. »

We planned to see Bring Me The Horizon and the philharmonic orchestra at the Royal Albert Hall together in april.

« I have to go so I prefer not to keep going on that now, but I'll come back to this conversation. »
« Have a good evening! And don't worry, I have nothing behind my head. »
« Don't worry I'm fine. My friend is almost here. »

But I wasn't fine.

A few minutes later Alexandra got here and I thanked her for being late. Because if she wouldn't have been, I wouldn't have gotten this conversation with Heloise.

« Mandy, you're shaking. »

Oh ? Well. I guess I was. I didn't realise before she mentioned it. I had a few minutes to explain to her the situation while we were getting desert for tonight at Sainsbury. I gave her the very short version. I never told her about Heloise before. I keep my role playing friends and irl friends separate because there's no way they would ever meet or talk. I rarely discuss role playing with my irl friends. But it's not like if it was a secret either.

I calmed down before going to our friends house and I spent a very good evening, although I was a bit too emotional and all I wanted was to talk with Heloise. I talked about her to my friends that evening. Quickly. I didn't want to be the center of attention. I was basically telling them I had a thing for a girl. I didn't know I could be attracted to a girl before. This was all new to them, and for me too.

At the end of the evening I didn't check my phone to see if she was online. I needed to go home first and get myself together. Alexandra told me to wait for Heloise to come back to me about the conversation. To take my time.

Got home. She wasn't online. I was sad. I didn't want to wait for the next day to talk to her about what she said.

And this marks the first night I didn't sleep. I tried. I was in my bed almost all the night. But I was on my phone. Writing. Writing her a big ass message.