Awake | Book 1 of the AWAKE Series | (BWWM)

Chapter Five

“Do you ever get the feeling that sometimes we interrupt fate?” I look at him disconcertedly and he explains. “What I mean is, do you ever think that sometimes things are meant to happen and we get in the way and fuck it up?”

I take the time to think about my answer and then shake my head, earning a questioning eyebrow raise from him.

“I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. If it was meant to happen then it would’ve. What is this all about Karter?”

He sits up at the use of his first name, I never call him that unless I’m serious and I am. Five times in the past two weeks he’s come here and each time I’ll try to find out what’s wrong only for him to bullshit me. He just keeps talking in circles until I fall asleep. Not from boredom but like I said he only comes after I get off of work. I was beginning to think he was just using it as an excuse to stay the night which I didn’t mind because he kept the nightmares away but now, with him coming so early I know something must actually be wrong.

He takes his time before answering. I watch him and I can see him calculating a lie that he can tell me that I’ll actually believe.
“The truth, Karter,” I state, looking straight into his pale green orbs I’ve grown so fond of.

He pulls his light pink lip into his mouth, wetting it.  “I keep feeling like I should’ve died that night,” he says, his eyes looking down at the comforter like it’s the most interesting thing in the world.

My eyes bulge and I search for words to say but every single one escapes me all except his favorite, “Fuck.”

Karter

                I’ve come to the conclusion that I am a piece of shit. I just lied to one of the most important people in my life right now. I wanted to tell her the real reason I came here. I wanted to tell her everything about me, about her, and who we are to each other. I wanted to spill everything and let the chips fall where they fell but instead, I lied. I’ve been coming here for the past couple of weeks when things get too heavy at the pack house. Being near her takes the edge off and lately I’ve really needed it. Questioning more than one hundred confused wolves about treasonous acts is definitely not a fun task. The resounding wave of hurt and anguish each wolf leaves the room with is unbearable. For the past month the cloud filled with it hasn’t lifted from the property. No matter how much we explained that questioning them was a formality and that we were just covering all of the bases, each wolf took it personally. A big part of me wishes to just drop the entire thing. It’s damaging the trust within my pack. Countless wolves have come to us ratting on other wolves about “suspicious” behavior only to find after further investigation that it’s nothing. Neighbors are turning on each other all in the name of loyalty to their Alpha.

            I guess what I told Dylan wasn’t a complete lie. Initially I toyed with the idea that maybe I was meant to die that night. That maybe without me, the pack would be better off. Those thoughts however, were quickly shut down and replaced with ideas that hurt me to the core. I’m not fit to lead. That night when all hell broke loose, I ran. Alpha males do not run. Cowards do. Men who are weak and not suitable to lead anyone run. Alpha males, Alpha wolves fight, to the death even. The fact that my first instinct was to protect my own life shows my weakness, shows my inadequacy. I’ve been thinking lately that maybe that was the shooter’s plan all along. To show that I’m not a capable leader, that I’m not ready to be the Alpha, that I’m selfish and inexperienced.

            The more I evaluate that night and run it through my mind frame by frame, I realize it was probably the mate bond that made me run. I came straight to Dylan’s doorstep when her home is miles away from mine and I passed a neighborhood’s worth of houses before getting to hers. I actually spoke with my grandmother about it. She is one of the wisest people I know and her knowledge about mate bonds is infinite. She told me that because my life was in immediate danger from the silver that my wolf instinctually sought out his mate. She assured me that because I’m an Alpha my wolf couldn’t fathom the thought of leaving the earth without at least seeing his one true love. It was romantic in a strange way but it didn’t make me feel any better. Now not only am I a lying, weak, selfish piece of shit, my wolf is a fucking hopeless romantic too.