Surrender

Chapter Twelve

CHAPTER TWELVE

“Say hi to dad for me.” I say, grabbing her suitcase out of the back seat and setting it on the ground. I close the door and crack my knuckles. My hands were sore from gripping the steering wheel so tight the whole way here. She adjusts her purse over her shoulder and smiles at me.

“I know he hasn’t called, but he loves you, Rae. He’s just so busy right now, I’m surprised he asked me to come out there.” She touches my cheek, the familiar scent of her perfume swirling around my head as she pulls her hand away.

“Don’t get too crazy, I hear those Brits are pretty wild.” She giggles as she lifts the handle on her suitcase.

“Well, you know your father, sightseeing includes dinner and going to bed early.” She has a hint of resentment in her voice, but then covers it up with a smile, “Alright, I’m off.” She leans in and gives me a squeeze.

“Rae, try to have some fun,” She says pulling away and looking me in the eyes, “You have a good, sensible head on your shoulders, but don’t be afraid to let loose a little, okay? Life is too short to watch from sidelines, trust me.” She kisses my cheek and gives me one last look before turning around and walking through the sliding doors. I stand there, a little taken aback by what she said. Trust her? What was she saying, that she had watched her life pass her by? I rub my eyes and walk around to the drivers’ side, getting in and turning the key in the ignition. As the car comes to life, my body jerks a little as it reacts to the sound. I was never going to get used to being behind the wheel ever again. I feel so small sitting here, trapped by all of this metal, and I don’t feel in control at all. The entire drive here my body was pulsing with anxiety and every car felt like it was too close, like they were moving in on me, trying to suffocate me. I grip the steering wheel as my heart starts to race, my chest growing tight and cutting off my air way. My whole body starts to shake, and my skin feels like I’m lying on a bed needles. Was this a panic attack? I’ve never had a panic attack before, how do I make this stop? I tighten my grip on the steering wheel and focus on a spot in front of me, willing more air into my lungs, but nothing changes. After a few minutes of rough, shallow breathing, I start to calm down, my body relaxing a little. I tear my hands away from the steering wheel and they fall limply into my lap. I rest my head on the head rest and close my eyes, knowing I need to drive away soon, I was most likely holding up traffic. I sigh and put my foot on the break, unable to put the car in drive. The thought of being in this car one more second makes me nauseous and I’m not sure I can do this. Maybe I could call Aaron, but I have no idea where he is this morning, he’s taking care of some ‘business’. I was sick of this weird fight we were having, we’re actually acting like siblings and I hate it. He’s being so vague and moody, it isn’t like Aaron to let himself get so wrapped up in his problems. He doesn’t care about anything else but making sure his life conflict free, so why was he acting this way? Clearly he’s gotten himself into something he can’t just ignore away. Someone honks behind me and I clasp my hand around the steering wheel and hold my breath as I put the car in drive. I pull away from the curb and keep my eyes focused on the road, barely blinking. How had everything come to this? It was like the Universe had gotten bored one day and decided to shit all over our lives. After dealing with one problem, another reveals itself and we’re plunged back into a swirling abyss of secrets and lies. And on top of that, we were all wading through our various forms of pain that just won’t dry up and disappear. But then again, as of last night, I can’t really complain about the way things are going. But who knows when the winds would change and screw everything up. I sit forward in my seat and train my eyes on the road, turning off my brain for a little while as I try to make him home without falling apart.

When I pull into my driveway, it’s 7:15 and the sun is high in the sky. It’s going to be a warm day, I can feel it already. I park the car and step out, my legs are shaking and my back is stiff from the tense way I held my body the entire drive. The back of my neck is sweating and there’s a dull ache behind my eyes. I’m never driving again. Ever. I’ll walk everywhere, better yet, I’ll invest in a bike. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do, I’ll have the best looking legs in Seattle. I close the garage and walk through the door, loud music hitting me square in the face. I hook the keys on the key ring and walk through the laundry room into the living room. I look up into the kitchen and see Darcie, her hair falling loosely down her back, wearing nothing but Aaron’s baggy sweatshirt. She’s singing at the top of her lungs to Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond, flipping pancakes and scrambling eggs. The kitchen was covered in pancake batter and eggshells. I walk up the steps into the kitchen and stand there, watching her dance around like an idiot, a big cheesy smile on her face. I smile as I watch her, noting how much she looks like the old Darcie. She looks up and sees me, waving the spatula through the air. She turns around presses pause on the iPod in the dock and faces me, panting a little.