Dear diary 11. Today marks 5 days until my 12th birthday, and I am not any more okay with it. Time flew by way too fast. I cry and stress and get angry everyday that passes just like I used to, Anny is really the only thing that has kept me from loosing my mind and needing to be taken to a mental hospital. But even seeing her doesn't keep me from the fear lurking inside me. I try to focus on the good, on the happiness, the things that I love, but then I remember that none of it really matters. It'll all be torn out of reach anyways. There is no way to truly escape my throbbing anxiety. Yours truly, Shanalee. 5 days.
I clenched my notebook between my fists so tightly my arms shook. My eyes squeezed shut, as if I was trying to drain all feeling from my mind, it didn't work.
Standing up from my bed I lifted my book above my head and slammed it on the ground, I screamed.
The ear piercing noise echoed over and over throughout the house, or maybe it was in my mind. Hard to tell when every fear and every worry you have ever had is screaming at you over and over. I can no longer tell which voices are mine and which are my anxiety.
The one thing that goes up, but never comes down. The one thing that you can't stop or slow down. The one thing you can't avoid, can't ignore, but can't live without. Age. Age is what's killing me.
But the frustrating part was that I didn't even live long enough to die of old age, I am being cut off before I even hit puberty.
With a weak shaken exhale, my legs gave way and I fell to the floor.
My limp body lay on the scratchy carpet. I could feel loose strands of hair on the floor tickling my bare skin. It was because I was loosing so much hair from stress. I even vacuumed yesterday morning, how can the floor already be covered in hair again?
I've been loosing weight too. My already slim figure has gone down to almost half the size. I only ever eat a little bit at dinner when we eat as family so that my parents won't notice. I'm sure they already do though, considering my drained face looks like something out of a horror movie. But I know they would never point it out or try to do anything about it so what does it matter?
Annalynn still hasn't stopped trying to get me to eat though, she says it matters even if I'm only living for another hour, but that just doesn't make sense to me. Plus, I'm sure if I was eating anymore I would throw up even more often then I already do, and that doesn't help either.
I just can't do anything without my weakness taking control of my body and my mind. Darkness clouds my vision
I held my breath and closed my eyes, relaxing every muscle in my body, laying limp still on the ground. I thought about the darkness I saw with my eyes closed and wondered if that's what it would feel like to be dead.
I gasped for air once again after holding it for longer than I was aware. I turned my head to the window not moving any other part of my body.
Carter flooded my thoughts for an unknown reason. I almost felt bad for him, I know how it feels to be rejected by your best friend and crush and yet I did the very same to him. He deserved it though. Right?
The guilt of that has been slowing killing me as well as all the stress which sucks, because I really don't need this in my life right now.
I should write him a note, I don't have to give it to him, but it could help me get this guilt off my weak shoulders.
So with that I grabbed a pen and paper and began to write.
YOU ARE READING
One Year Left to Live | ✔️
General Fiction"So this is what it has come down to? A lifetime of anxiety lead me to this moment. But it wasn't worth any of it because this is it; the moment has come anyway. This is where I die and there's nothing you can do about it." - Shanalee lives in an al...
