One Year Left to Live | ✔️

Chapter 5 - Dear Diary

After a few moments of silence, Annalynn cut in.

"I'll leave you to journal." She told me.

She gave a small, smile then ran her hand from my shoulder down to my elbow and the back up again. The contact made me shiver, I don't usually give or receive physical contact, let alone affection.

She gave one last genuine smile before turning around to squeeze through the window she had come through. I stopped her.

"Wait," she turned back to me and her short brown hair swung in front of her face with the wind as if she was a supermodel in a photo shoot "thank you again." I said looking at her and lightly touching her shoulder.

I was making eye contact and physical contact both in one day, what am I doing? She seemed to be just as surprised as I was, but it brought a smile to her face once again.

She replied, "you're welcome Shany" before sliding back in through the window and out my bedroom door.

I looked down at the notebook, I decided to leave the rest of the memories for another time when I really need it.

I then picked up a pencil and began to write.

Dear diary 11. Today is my 11th birthday, this is going to be my last book, so I hope to make it a good one. I still am hoping that my family will keep and read these journals when I am gone so that it feels like I'm not so far away, so they won't be hurt as much. But at the same time these journals are how I cope and I need to spill my fears somewhere so this is it.
     I'm not gonna lie I was scared before, but now that this is my last year I am terrified. I have done research on every type of after life to ever be believed in, but most cost you something and the rest are all hells. I don't know what will happen once I die, I think the best I can hope for is to not exist, to not have a conscience and not have anywhere to go or anything to owe or anything to suffer through. That's what I want.
     Another fear I have is how I will die. I am not sick yet so that must mean I will die of a wound or a car crash or something else violent. That scares me just as much as my after life. But hopefully death with sympathize with me more than life did and allow me to die peacefully. If not, I just hope it's quick. Yours truly, Shanalee. 365 days.

I shut the hard cover notebook with a slap and felt heat rush through me as it had in the car earlier that day.

Journaling has always been able to help me let out all my fears and worries without the back talk or the pity that people give you, and I love it even though the majority of my thoughts were depressing. But today marking me being exactly one year to my death scared me beyond I could explain. And writing 365 days made it even worse.

A tear or two fell as my eyes dropped to my new notebook.

My journals have always been my bestest, closest friends. I have journaled everything I have ever felt since I was 8, that makes this my fourth year and fourth journal. I would get journals for my birthday even before then too because I would draw on the pages, I preferred it rather than a colouring book. So it has always been a part of my short little life.

I sighed, rubbing the back of my neck. I can't even imagine the disappointment my parents must have felt when my mom gave birth to me and my age was 012. Age of death that is.

And watching me grow up and seeing my number decrease every year. It must be just as painful for them as it is for me.

But I really don't want them to suffer, this is my burden, and as much as I am terrified by it, I would rather take the fall then all of my loved ones being in pain, it makes no sense for me and all of them to be hurt. Take one for the team kinda thing. I'll distance myself from those I love so that they won't miss me too much once I die.

That is hard though, having no friends, literally no one to talk to, being distant and cold all the time, it's depressing. I just hope it will be worth it to them.