One Year Left to Live | ✔️

Chapter 13 - Trading Secrects

I started with a small plate of fruit and chips with some sprite at hand. Anna had some fruit and a sparkling water.

It was so good, but the thought and effort she put into it was even better.

"Thank you for doing this, Anny." I looked straight into her eyes during that whole sentence, I felt more confident around her.

"No problem, Shany. I know you needed some lightening up."

I studied her face as her lips curled up into her cheeks revealing her white straight teeth. I remember when she came home with braces, she hated wearing the elastics and would always take them out so she had to keep them for an extra year.

Her brown hair was darker than mine is, and it's very naturally straight. She parts it down the middle and it flows down to her shoulders. Her eye brows and eyelashes were just as dark making it look like she is already wearing makeup.

Her skin was clear and her complexion glowing beautifully, but none of it compared to the beauty of her eyes. They were just as blue as the sky.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" She teased.

I blushed, tearing my eyes away. "Sorry."

She giggled, "it's okay, you don't have you get all embarrassed."

"I just never really look at people's faces, and when I do I try to make sure they aren't looking at me already. So I hardly ever see how emotions look and can't usually recognize them, but with you I can't see your emotions as if they were my own. When you look happy it..." I wanted to say that seeing her happy made me happy, but I trailed off. I was too embarrassed to finish. But she understood.

"You know," she started, "I used to be shy too."

"I don't remember that!" I was honestly surprised, she is the most outgoing, friendly person I have ever known.

"Yep, I wouldn't look at people's faces either cause I was too self conscious."

"How's you get over it?"

"I faked it."

I played over what she had just said in my mind a few times to make sure I was hearing right, then I asked just to double check.

"Yep, I faked it. I memorized lines that the outgoing people would say and I would force myself to talk louder and make eye contact, I pretended to be an outgoing person. It's like acting."

"That's the weirdest thing I've ever heard, how did that even work?" I asked.

"Who knows, I guess the new character I was pretending to be just rubbed off on me. I learnt how to fill I'm empty space in conversations and smile to make the other person feel more comfortable and just got more and more practice."

"Do you think I could learn to do that?"

"Definitely, that's why I'm telling you. Givin' my baby sister some hope." She pinched my cheek jokingly.

Heat rushed to my cheeks. I attempted to change the subject before she could notice but I think she saw anyways.

"Could we eat some ice cream now?" I asked her already reaching for the bucket.

She slapped my hand away, not hard enough to hurt me, but it shocked me nonetheless.

"Not until you tell me a secret, I just told you mine."

"Well what do you want to know?"

She stopped to think a moment before continuing, "Why don't you have friends anymore? You're cute and likeable and beautiful, and I have a feeling that your lack of companions is not because people don't like you."

It was a more sensitive topic than I had expected her to ask about, but then again most of my life is sensitive so it must be hard to dodge.

"I'm the reason I don't have friends, I reject them all." I answered with my head down, still contemplating how much information I should spill.

"You don't want friends?" She asked me.

"That's not it, no. I just don't want to hurt anyone."

We were silent for what was too long for me, I'm spilling my guts here and she isn't responding! I felt as if I was sitting in the edge of my seat waiting for her to answer.

"Is that why aren't close with the family too?" She asked me. The emotion in her face looked pained.

"Yes." I could only manage a whisper.

"Oh Shanalee-"

"I just don't want anyone to be hurt when I die, there's no point in them being in as much pain as I am."

"But you deserve happiness! And the people that truly love you are willing to go through that pain so that you can be happy! Your life is short which only makes more of a reason for you to enjoy the limited amount of time you have."

I could tell she felt awful for me, but it was different than pity. It was more like she was grasping some of my pain and bringing it upon herself. That only made me feel guilty.

"My happiness isn't worth everyone else's sorrow, that is selfish."

She said nothing, I had won the argument but it didn't feel like victory.