One Year Left to Live | ✔️

Chapter 20 - All For Love

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"My happiness isn't worth everyone else's sorrow, that is selfish."

"You're worth it to me."
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I played the conversation between Annalynn and I over and over and over again.

She said it like she meant it, but what if she just ends up regretting it?

I should at least let her make that decision.

Or should I?

I glanced over at my clock, 2:42 am. Fourth day in a row of no sleep, yay.

As I lay on my bed with my head dangling off the side, I realized that I couldn't stay like this.
I meant that both literally and metaphorically.

So with that I sat up while the blood rushed to my head, grabbed my phone and turned on the flashlight, and then hoped out of bed. I snook through my door, past the hall way and down the stairs before realizing that I have no idea what to say.

Maybe I will just tell her I am sorry and that I didn't mean what I said. Or I will just explain why I said that. Or I will tell her that I do love her.

Then it dawned on me, it is the middle of the frick-frackin crack-a-lackin morning. She is not going to be awake, but I couldn't sleep, so I needed to make this right.

Promise me you won't cry Shanalee. I promise, I thought to myself.

I finally made it to her bedroom door, and by finally I mean I got there way too soon. I still didn't know what to say.

There I stood, two feet in front of my sister's white wooden door. Shall I knock? Or just walk in?

Just before I could make a decision the door swung open and there stood Annalynn, two feet in front of me, taking the place where the door had previously stood.

She stared at me while I stared at her, and we stayed like that before she broke the silence.

"What are you doing down here?" She asked calmly, looking me in the eyes.

I was about to answer the question like a normal civilized person when all of a sudden my eyes started leaking. But it was a heavy leak, it was more like a damn broke.

"I'm sorry Annalynn." I managed to say between sobs. My hands covered my eyes.

Without hesitation Anna embraced me in a comforting hug.

"I didn't mean what I said, I didn't mean what I said." I cried.

I cried because all my bottled up feeling from the past few days were spilling out. I cried because I felt guilty for coming back to her after what I said to her. I cried because I was bringing her into a battlefield with me by allowing her to be close with me. And I cried because I didn't know how to say sorry, or how to say anything really.

"You don't need to say anymore." Anna said as she stroked my hair.

We stayed like that, in each other's arms, in silence, for some time before she grabbed my shoulders and lead me back into her bedroom.

I had never been in her bedroom before, it had grey walls with a white wood border and door, but almost everything else in the room was accented with lavender purple.

Out of shame, I couldn't bring myself to look into her eyes, so I looked down at my knees once we sat on her bed.

"I was just getting up to go and talk to you too," she started. "I couldn't handle staying like we were. I haven't slept."

"Me neither." Guilt flush over me like it was heat stroke because I knew it was my fault. My palms were sweaty and my cheeks turned pink, my head pounded with blood flow and my heart beat violently.

She must have noticed my inability to say any more so she continued. "I think I know why you did it."

I brought my eyes up to meet hers. She shifted her gave from my left eye to my left, studying my emotions. Without words, I urged her to continue.

"You did it because you wanted to distance yourself so that you wouldn't hurt me."

She really can see right through me.

"You did it because you love me." She gave me a shy smile, hoping she was right.

I sat there speechless, but after a few long moments of empty air, I confirmed her question.

"You're right," I whispered. "I did it because I don't want you to get hurt. I did it because I love you."