The Monster In Us

34- whaT do you want?

Two days go by and the numb feeling that has been burning inside of me since I heard those shots go off it hasn't gone away. I've been going through the movements of everyday life, showering, eating, typing, talking. But I do it all with such heavy limbs that it makes me just want to lay on the ground, still, until my body starts to decay. I don't want to do anything and I'm counting down the days, hours, minutes, and seconds until it is Friday at 4:00 and I can get the hell out of here.

I'm not even thinking about where I'm going after this, back home, because that isn't a comforting thought either. All that happens when I go back home is all of the same. Working under my father, following his exact orders without question, and killing the people that get in his way. That's what we're all doing here, it's what we've always done.

Right now, I'm not thinking about that though, I'm just thinking about leaving here because that's really what I need right now is to get out of here.

About halfway through the day, Dante calls me into his office. I've been able to mostly just avoid him for the first half of the week, blowing off all of our plans and telling him that I'm just too busy with dealing with my 'sick mother' and he's seemed very patient about that. I know that it's not his fault that Coleman is dead. I mean, in a literal sense, I guess that it is because he's the one who pulled the trigger but I can't be angry at him for that.

He was just doing what he has been raised to do, just like I have—to kill people who get in your way. He knew that it would hurt me (Vera) but he did it to protect me (Elisa) and Coleman had been egging him on, waning him to shoot him as quickly as possible. That doesn't mean that I can look at him the same way that I used to because all I can think about when I see Dante's face is that he is the one who, in the literal sense, killed Coleman.

My heavy legs take me away from my computer and I go to Dante's office because if I don't, he'll just come looking for me. I'm already trying to think of an excuse just in case he asks me to go to lunch or something. I have to work through my lunch or I already promised Denise that I'd go to lunch with her.

In his office, I shut the door behind me and I use all of the strength that I have in me to life the corners of my lips and smile at him. I hope that it doesn't look forced but it's the best that I can do right now.

"What's up?" I ask him.

"We need to talk," He tells me shortly. I sit down across from him on the other side of his desk and I look down at the dark wood instead of up at him. "You've been avoiding me, ever since Monday."

"I've just been busy," I quickly assure him.

"Okay, well I know that you're going through something right now but it's pretty shitty of you to just tell me that you're leaving and then completely ignore me," He sounds irritated with me, which I understand, but how can I tell him that just seeing his face right now kind of makes me want to throw up? I still love him, but I just need to be away from him.

Not that it matters, I'll probably never see him again after Friday anyway.

"You're right," I concede. "I know. I'm sorry. Everything has just been really hectic lately, with my mom and everything. And I don't even know where to begin about thinking about what's going to happen to us."

"What do you want?"

"I'm not going to get what I want," I mumble bitterly. "It doesn't matter what either one of us want. I have to go back home, you have to stay here. We have to break up, nothing else makes sense."

"No," He shakes his head at me.

"What do you mean, no? Are you going to come to Kentucky with me?" I raise my eyebrows at him, actually looking up at him now. Him wanting to go with me sure would make it more difficult for a smooth getaway.

He shrugs at me. "Maybe."

"No you're not," I answer for him. "Your life is here. We can keep in contact if you want, we can text and Skype, but just as friends. Long distance relationships just don't work, especially when there's probably no chance of us ever living in the same place."

"You don't think that you'll ever come back?" He wonders.

"I don't know. I guess it just depends on how serious this thing is with my mom," I lie. Of course I'm never coming back but I don't want to tell him that, mostly because I don't have a good lie that would explain that, and I also don't want to give him false hope that I'll be back someday.

"Okay, well if this is what needs to happen right now, then fine," Dante decides. "We have until Friday then, right? Let's make the most of it. I have to go for a business lunch today but come over tonight, alright? Not just because I want to be with you for as long as possible but also because I want to be there for you."

I almost start crying right there in his office because I've never felt so conflicted inside of myself. He loves me a lot, I can tell, and I know that I love him too. If he wasn't the one who pulled the trigger, he could be helping me through this, he could help me clear my mind some more. Before this, he has always been really good at making me feel better no matter what the situation.

"I'll come over tonight," I decide aloud. I should let him help me relax. I can blame him all I want for Coleman's death but I know that if I were in that situation, if somebody wouldn't give me the answers that I needed, I would have shot them too. I have been in that situation, and I've done that exact thing before.

He stands up from the desk, probably getting ready to go to his lunch, so I stand up with him. "Good," He says.

Dante walks around the desk and kisses me. At first, I plan to coil away from him because I shouldn't want to kiss him, not after everything that's happened, but I do. I want to kiss him. And I do. I let him wrap his arm around my waist and I let him kiss me like he needs the air from my lungs and I try to remember this kiss because I know that it will be one of our last.

"I'm going to miss you, bunny," I murmur against his lips.

"Yeah. I'll... miss you too," He says, pausing a little bit because it's always so hard for him to just give a compliment.

He leaves for his lunch, I go back to my desk to finish the day off. I don't know if I'm either dreading or excited about spending the night with Dante but either way, I know that I don't have a choice. He does deserve my time, knowing that we don't have much time left together, and he deserves at least some closure.

With my last week at Berardi, I've been doing absolutely no real work for the casino or the company at all. I won't take my rage out on Dante personally but that doesn't take away my rage at Berardi as a whole. They killed Coleman; I'm burning this place to the ground.

Technologically speaking, that is.

I've been working on a virus that would clear their entire system, knock them completely off of the grid for a solid week. It would be catastrophic; it will probably cause Giovanni to lash out at Pantera due to the magnitude of this project but I'm prepared for that. I'm not even going to run it past my father before I do it because I know that if I do, he won't let me do it because it risks me blowing my cover.

I won't deploy it right when I leave though, I'm going to implant it into the system when I leave but I'll wait a week or two to detonate it, and their whole system goes crashing down. They can't kill Coleman and just get away with it. Pantera won't do anything about it, he wasn't important to them, he was only important to me. And so I'm going to do something about it.

Denise, who has been exceptionally quiet today, leans over the divider to look at me and says, "Hey, I have a question for you."

I keep typing but I glance up at her so that she knows that I heard her and then I return to my screen. "Alright, shoot."

"If you're leaving on Friday, can I have your office chair?" She wonders. I don't know why she's asked such a ridiculous question, especially considering how quiet she's been today, and that this is the question that she wants to ask.

I don't question her about it though, I just want to get back to my work, and so I respond with a quick, "Yeah, sure."

"Awesome," Denise smiles and then goes back to her side of the divider. "Thanks, Vera."

Oh. Well, fuck.