The Monster In Us

33- i'm dOne

I have not cried since I was twelve when my mother died. I cried just a few tears because I had learned by then that crying was a sign of weakness and Markovs are absolutely not weak and we absolutely do not cry.

But when those two shots erupt in my ear, I cry. I collapse to the ground in the hallway that I'm in as my entire body just gives up. I give up.

Giovanni is mumbling something in my Bluetooth but I'm not interested in what they're saying anymore so I rip the black mechanism out of my ear and let it drop to the floor.

I don't know how long I'm sitting on the cold floor, crying into my arms as a gaping hole is gouging itself through my chest and my entire body. Eventually, what breaks me out of this state is my phone ringing.

It's Dante.

I have to answer it or he'll know that something is wrong. I was prepared to tell him the truth but not anymore. I will not let Coleman die in vain. Just hearing it in my head, 'Coleman die', it makes me feel like I'm going to throw up.

I take a deep breath to calm down my hectic tears and then answer his call. "Hello?"

"Hey," He says into my ear, sounding very calm and friendly and normal. He sounds so normal. "Sorry about earlier but I'm free now. What is it that you wanted to talk about?"

"Uh, nothing," I mumble. "It's not important anymore."

"Okay. Do you want to go to dinner?"

"Dinner?" I ask him in confusion. The last time that I remember looking at a clock, it was one in the afternoon.

"Yeah, the thing I had to do today didn't last as long as I thought that it would so I'm free for dinner," He explains. "How do you feel about tacos?"

"I can't," I say quickly. "Something came up."

"Oh, sure that's fine. Are we still on for tomorrow?"

"Yep, definitely," I confirm, standing up from the floor so that I can get out of here before somebody finds me in a place that I shouldn't be in. "I'll see you tomorrow."

And then I hang up before he can respond or tell me that he loves me because I don't want to hear that right now. Before I leave the basement, I call Sergei and hide in one of the empty rooms so that somebody walking passed won't see me.

"Hello?" He answers the phone.

"I'm done," I say with a sniffle. "I'm coming home."

"No you aren't," He says calmly.

"Fuck you," I snap at him. "Coleman is dead, they just killed him. I'm coming back, I'm done. Fuck you and my father and this entire fucking plan. I quit."

"No," He says again. "Your father needs you there."

"Does it sound like I care about what my father wants? I'm fucking done. I'm coming home tonight, I've done enough," I tell him. "You can tell me no as many times as you want but if I stay here one more night, I will tear it all apart."

"Stay for the week," Sergei tries to reason with me. "So that it's not obvious as to why you're leaving."

I'm feeling dizzy but I have to suck it up now. I need to get upstairs and I need to stay for the week because he's right. If I just disappear today, it'll be obvious and Coleman is dead to keep my secret hidden, I'm not going to let that be for nothing. But I'm not happy about it, so I hang up on Sergei and I hurry back up the stairs.

I don't know how long I was downstairs crying but there's not very many people still working at their desks. I grab my stuff from the desk and I start walking toward the exit so that I can cope with all of this in the privacy of my apartment. As I'm walking down the hallway though, I hear a door open and somebody walk out before I hear Dante's voice calling my name from behind.

I turn around to see him standing in the hallway behind me. "Hey, I'm glad I could catch you before you left."

"I'm kind of in a hurry," I mumble, hoping that I look normal. I have to know that my eyes are blotchy and red though, my cheeks are pale, my hands are shaking. I'm not normal and I need to have an excuse as to why I'm like this that he'll buy. Other than the fact that he just shot my best friend in cold blood.

"I just want to make sure that you're okay," He explains. "You seemed kind of freaked out over the phone when you called a few hours ago. What's going on?"

This is it. I need a really good lie. "I'm going back to Kentucky," I finally decide.

"What?"

"I said that I'm going home," I repeat for him and now, I need a reason for my lie. "My mom is sick."

"That's awful," He frowns at me sympathetically.

"Yeah, I need to go," I say as I start walking away from him. "I'll see you tomorrow, I'm not leaving until Friday."

"Can you stay with me tonight?" He asks me before I can get away. When I look at him, all I can do is picture him, holding a gun to Coleman's head and pulling the trigger twice. I don't want to see that and so I just stare at his shoulder and hope that he believes my lie. "I know that you're busy but can you come over after that?"

"Why?"

"There's just some people that are trying to get to us, my family," He tries to explain to me without going into too much detail. "And I don't want you to get stuck in the crossfire is all."

He's afraid that Vera will kill me. Or that I will kill Elisa depending on who's looking at the situation. I'm pretty sure that I'm not a threat to myself though, so I'm not in any more danger than I was before this mess.

"I can't," I tell him, trying to sound apologetic. Just the thought of sleeping in the same bed as Dante tonight makes me want to put a gun to my own head. I can barely even look at him right now. "Whatever it is though, I can take care of myself."

"But-"

"I'll see you tomorrow," I interrupt him, turning around in my heels and walking away, out the door and to my car. My entire body feels empty and numb and I keep trying to picture a world where Coleman isn't here but I can't do it. He has only been in my life for a few years but I can't even remember what my life was like before that. He cared about me—he died for me—and he put me above anybody else, anything else. Our love wasn't romantic, it never was, but we were family. His real family was dead, mine was half dead and half heartless, and so we had each other.

I helped him through his parents' death as much as a half dead-half heartless person can help another person, and he's helped me through just about everything else. I taught him how to fight, he taught me how to drive stick. He was like an older brother to me and I need him. Whenever anything goes wrong, I turn to him and he knows exactly what to do. He's my rock.

Not this time.

Back at the apartment, I start packing my things because just the idea of getting the hell out of here makes me feel just a little bit better. I need to get out, to go back to my side of the city where I belong.

But my motivation to keep packing doesn't last long and in the time frame of just half an hour, I go from packing up all of my stuff to hysterically throwing everything, trashing the entire place because of how angry I am.

I'm angry at Coleman for sacrificing himself for me. I'm angry at Dante for pulling the trigger. I'm angry at my father who ignited this entire situation and Sergei for facilitating it. I'm mostly angry at myself because I had pulled Coleman into this mission, I had asked him for help, to go to the lake house with me. I got him killed.

I don't know how I could have fooled myself into thinking that I'm not a bad person, that maybe it was just how I was raised that has made me the monster that I am. But that's not true. My father may have raised me to be this way so maybe it's not entirely my fault, but I am a monster. I am the cold blooded half dead-half heartless monster that I have always been. I am a monster.

And I always will be.