The Monster In Us

28- i fEel human

I wake up the next morning to Dante whispering my name, trying to get me to wake up. With my head on his bare chest, I feel his breaths and I love being so close to him. I don't open my eyes or move a muscle but I groan at him to let him know that I'm awake.

"I have to go," He tells me.

"No," I mumble in return.

"It's work," He adds.

"Just ten minutes," I ask him, opening my eyes but I keep my body close to his. "You can be ten minutes late, can't you?"

"Not really but you're very persuasive," He mutters, wrapping his arm around my back and I smile against his warm skin because I didn't really have to try that hard to convince him to stay in bed just a little longer.

"I know," I say jokingly.

"Did you sleep well?"

"Like a baby," I confirm, kissing his chest just once and very lightly. Maybe I can seduce him into staying in this bed with me forever. I feel so calm right now, with him beside me, and I feel safe and I just feel relaxed. I can't remember ever feeling relaxed before and it's definitely a feeling that I could get used to. "You could just call in sick, just for one day, nobody really checks that stuff."

"You do know that I'm your boss, right?" He reminds me teasingly.

"Oh, yes. I know," I assure him with a small laugh. "I'm just saying that it wouldn't hurt to just take one day off. I don't want you to leave."

"That's right. Because you love me," Dante says with a teasing little tone in his voice.

"I do," I mumble. "But if you try to throw that in my face, I'll take it back."

"You'll take it back eventually anyway," He assures me.

I turn my head so that I can look into his eyes. "Why do you say that?"

"That's a long list, let's not get into that now," Dante decides. "I really do have to get up soon. My dad would malfunction if I just don't show up to work."

"You think that I'm going to stop loving you," I don't let him change the subject so easily. "That's not going to happen."

"No?"

"Not at all," I confirm. "I mean, I'm not saying that we'll last forever because I don't know about that but I'm never going to stop loving you. It's a permanent type of thing, it's definitely not going away."

"What if I told you that I've done some very... unlovable things?" He wonders and that's the closest that he's ever come to telling me about his mob life and so I'm a little bit surprised.

"Like what?" I immediately ask him, wondering if he'll tell me anything. I want him to so badly tell me about that stuff, that he's killed and tortured and hurt a lot of people. I want him to tell me so that I can tell him that despite all of that stuff, I still do love him. And I absolutely cannot stop it. "You know, it doesn't matter. What you've done, it doesn't define you. I don't love you because of what you've done or haven't done or what you plan on doing. I love you for you, believe it or not."

"Not."

"Well, that's too bad for you," I decide. "Because I do love you and you're just going to have to get over that."

Every time that I say 'love', it makes me want to vomit but I'm getting pretty good at shoving that feeling back down my throat that I can almost say the word now without even flinching.

"Alright, that's very nice of you to say," Dante tells me. "But I have to go. I tried to wait as long as possible to wake you up but I'm already incredibly late."

I close my eyes again, really not wanting to have to get out of this bed. "When I'm with you, I feel human," I find myself blurting in hopes of making him want to stay just for a little while longer. "For the first time in my life. That's why I love you. Please don't go," I plead with him, my head laying still against his bare chest. I can feel him breathing underneath of me and then it makes me think of all of the breaths that I've taken from people, all of the blood that stains my hands. Thinking about it, I know that the same blood is on his hands too. He's taken people's breath like I have. He's taking mine right now.

Maybe neither one of us is human anymore, raised by monsters to become monsters ourselves. But two monsters together, maybe if they are together strong enough, they can make each other human again. I can feel it happening to me and I hope that it's happening to him too but all I've done is lie to him. What if all he says to me is lies too? We are so much alike that it terrifies me that this is true.

If either one of us find out that the other is lying about what we claim to be the truth, I know that our humanity will vanish. If he finds out who I really am, he will kill me. If I find out that he's lying about how he feels about me, I know that I'll lose all hope at becoming who I really want to be. My monster will be the only part of me once again. I don't want him to have that control over me but I know that he does. I can't help it, I am weak. Definitely not as strong as my father raised me to be. If he knew what I was thinking right now, he'd probably shoot me himself. I kind of want to shoot me.

"I really have to go to work," Dante insists again, kissing the top of my head as he removes himself from underneath of me to get dressed to go serve his father like I serve my own. To soak his hands in even more blood.

It's comforting to know that he will never hate me for what I've done. He will never run when he sees the monster that I really am. When he realizes that he hates me, it'll be because of where I come from, not who I am. Although the idea of him hating me at all makes me feel sick to my stomach, I like the idea of somebody not hating me for what I've done. Because I already hate myself enough as it is.

"What are your plans this weekend?" He asks me. He's completely naked when he gets out of the bed and as he starts gathering his clothes to get dressed, I stare shamelessly, soaking up all of the time that I have to stare at him until he's covered again.

"I'm busy," I tell him, knowing that I'm going back to the lake house with Coleman to investigate that basement some more. "Well, on Saturday. I'm free on Sunday if you want to hang out."

"I do," He puts his boxers on and then his undershirt. I know that he has changes of clothes at the casino so I trust that he'll change when he gets to the office.

"I want to read more of that poetry," I decide out loud and then I decide to try to turn him on just a little bit. I don't think that I'll convince him to stay here instead of going to work but at least I can keep him thinking about me all morning. "I want you to read it to me when we fuck."

"You want to play that game?" He raises his eyebrows at me, obviously catching on very quickly to what I was trying to do. I give him a challenging look before he grabs the comforter and pulls it off of the bed, leaving me completely naked on the bed and then he leans over me. He kisses me quickly yet deeply, leaving me almost breathless, before he moves his lips near my ear and then whispers. "You can come over. I'll read to you all of my favorite poems and then after you've begged for it enough, I'll spell them out with my tongue."

He's better at this game than me. He puts on his sports jacket, kisses me once more, and then heads into the living room.

I recover from his incredibly talented seduction techniques enough to get up and wrap a sheet around myself as he's putting his shoes on at the couch.

"I'll see you in about an hour at the office?" I wonder, hating how shaky my voice sounds when I try to speak.

He smirks at me, hearing how weak my voice is. "I probably won't be in the office very much today but I'll stop by for lunch."

"Okay. Have a good day, bunny."

He stands from the couch and makes sure that he has all of his stuff before he heads for the door. "You too, Miss Boner."

I watch his cute little ass as he walks out the front door of my apartment, leaving me alone and flushed. I drop the sheet and head for the bathroom to take a goddam cold shower.