The Monster In Us

13- you clean Up well

I shouldn't be doing this. I know that this is wrong and although I know that I've done worse things than go on a date, I've never done anything that goes against the rules of the Pantera, or against my father. I've never broken the rules of our mob or done something that is frowned upon by my peers.

Not to mention the fact that I could be getting myself killed, I'm jeopardizing this entire mission and for what? A boy? A very handsome, intriguing boy but just a boy nonetheless. Dante Berardi, to make it worse. I've been making so many mistakes lately just because of him. I blew off an entire day of work, I've wasted time hanging out with him or following him around the city like I did with Denise at Allegro. I've been distracted from the mission at hand.

As I look into the mirror in the bathroom of my apartment, I see weakness in my eyes. My father has always told me to be strong because fear is weakness but I am not afraid. Just weak because I've let this boy get to me. I've let him make me smile, I've let him get in my head. And what do I think that I will get out of this? A happy ever after? Once he figures out who I am, he'll never talk to me again. He'll probably shoot me dead himself.

If he knew who I was, he would be absolutely livid. But maybe he wouldn't. I mean, I know who he is but he is still clawing his way into my mind. I'm still saying yes to going out with him, worrying about what to wear or what I should say to him. I know that he has a monster inside of him and blood on his hands so thick that it covers him entirely. Maybe that is the biggest reason that I want to be around him, because I too know that monster well.

But no matter how terribly I am drawn to him, I need to be as strong as my father has raised me to be. No more weakness. I grab my phone from the corner of the sink and I go to Dante's number in my phone so that I can text him and tell him that dinner is off tonight. I'm feeling sick or something. I have to end this before it is something that I cannot end.

I type out the message and I read it over three times.

'Not feeling good, have to cancel dinner tonight'

But I saw him at work today, he will probably know that I am lying. That doesn't matter, he just has to know that I can't go to dinner with him. Not tonight. Not ever. It doesn't matter that our bloody hands look so similar or that our monsters are the same. I need to do what pleases Pantera before anything. It doesn't matter that I could stare into his eyes for days or that I can't stop feeling his kiss on my lips from yesterday, despite how miniscule it was.

Pantera is my family. Dante is just boy who makes me smile. Happiness isn't really all that important anyway. I'm not here to be happy, I'm here to serve my father.

And yet, I never send the message.

What my father doesn't know won't hurt him and if this relationship does end up hurting my mission, if it does get me killed, then I think that'll be okay too. I have always known that my life will be short and if I can get in one quick romance before the end, I think that I'm okay with that.

Already dressed in a t-shirt and denim shorts with some black sneakers, I am ready for Dante to pick me up because I am weak and I can't help it. He makes me weak, he drives me crazy without even realizing it. I know that he wants to go somewhere fancy but supporting the façade that I'm broke, I don't have dressy clothes so I've dressed as casual as I can just to fuck with him. I can't help it. I love annoying him because that means that at least he's thinking about me. Yeah... that sounds pathetic.

I stop looking at myself in the mirror because I'm just pissing myself off.

When I get the text from Dante that he's here, I take a deep breath and head downstairs to look for his Aston Martin. It's wrong and it's stupid that I'm doing this but maybe that's part of the reason that I'm doing it. He's waiting in his expensive car by the curb when I get downstairs so I invite myself into the passenger side and I immediately notice how dressed up he is, wearing a sports jacket and well-fitted jeans.