Small

Happy

I was tired of feeling so weak and vulnerable. I didn't like feeling powerless. I didn't have control over the situation and I hated that.

Darren wanted to know what happened to me while I was with Owen. He deserved to know. But I wasn't ready to tell him. I wasn't ready to talk about it. And it hurt to think that I had to tell him all because he wanted to know. It was like I didn't get the choice in doing it when I was ready.

I didn't like being mean to Darren. I didn't like when someone was mean to me so I didn't want to do it back. But I had told him no several times and he wasn't listening. I had to get him to listen somehow.

I stayed in my room for the rest of the evening. I didn't say anything when he brought me something to eat and I waited until after he left before I ate it. I hid back under the blankets afterward and tried to fall asleep.

The minutes passed by slowly. When I thought I was about to fall asleep, I woke up again. I just wanted some relief from the emotions that kept flooding me.

I gave up on trying to sleep and got out of bed. I opened the door and glanced out into the hallway. It was clear. I couldn't tell where Darren was but I assumed it was either his room or office.

Just as long as he kept giving me space, that was all I cared about.

I stepped out and pulled my door until it was nearly shut. I crossed the hallway and entered the bathroom. I closed the door behind me and turned the lock. I almost worried that I would be in trouble for going into the bathroom by myself and locking the door. It wasn't something I had done before.

But I really wasn't ready to see Darren.

I walked to the bathtub and pushed the shower curtain back. I turned the hot water knob to the left until the water started coming out and I noticed steam coming in that direction. I lifted the stopper to hold the hot water in the tub and watched as it slowly filled up. It wasn't until it had gotten where it needed to be that I realized I needed to get out of my clothes to get into the tub.

I took a step back and pulled my shirt off. I left it on the floor in a pile and slowly added my pants to it. I untaped my diaper and rolled it up. I put it in the small trash can between the sink and the toilet before I grabbed a washcloth from the closet.

I ran the washcloth under hot water in the sink before I cleaned myself up. Thankfully, I hadn't needed to use my diaper too much. Usually, Darren cleaned me up before a bath so the water wouldn't get gross but I only had what was available to me in the bathroom. I wasn't quite ready to leave and go looking for something on the chance I ran into Darren in the hallway.

When I felt clean enough, I put the dirty washcloth in the hamper and grabbed another one from the closet. I approached the bathtub and slowly put one foot in. The water was hotter than I would have liked it to be. I wasn't used to controlling the temperature on my own.

I put my other foot in and slowly sank down in the water until I was sitting on my butt. The hot water felt good on my cold skin and it was a good distraction from everything in my head.

I skimmed my fingertips over the top of the water so they barely touched. My eyes followed my fingers as they moved. The mindlessness of just watching my fingers move across the water was so relaxing it made me tired. My eyes drooped shut and I let myself drift off to get some much-needed sleep.

It didn't seem to last long. Just as I drifted off to sleep, someone's arms were around me. I was pulled from the warm water and into the freezing air and I started to shiver.

"Aly. Aly, wake up. Come on, baby. Please, wake up."

I wasn't sure why he was talking to me like that. I wasn't hurt or anything. I was just sleeping.