Small

Sadness Before Happiness

I helped Darren carry the groceries into the house and set the bags on the bar in the kitchen. As we began to put the groceries away into the fridge and the cabinets, something came to my mind.

What kind of person would I be talking to if I tried this therapy thing? Would I get an old person? Someone who had a past like mine? Would they be male or female? I was sure there were plenty of people to choose from but I sort of wanted a heads-up before the time came.

"Daddy?"

"Yeah?" He carried several boxes of mac n' cheese to the cabinet and reached above his head to put them on the upper cabinet.

"This therapy thing... Who would I be talking to exactly?"

"Well, whatever agency we go with would have several people for you to talk to. They might pick the person for you to meet based on what their backgrounds are or what they studied."

"What do you mean?"

"Some people don't work with kids or they might not know how to help with childhood issues. Some people focus on other things."

"Oh." I wasn't sure how talking to someone was going to... fix me, per se, but it was worth a shot. After my episode in the bathroom, I knew I needed to get out all the thoughts in my head that were looming over me. I'd been through a lot and I needed to get rid of it so it didn't linger the rest of my life. If I wanted to move on and grow up, I needed this.

Darren walked back over to where I was and put his hand beside mine on the counter. "We'll find the right person."

I nodded, biting my lip. Trying out therapy when I barely knew what it was made me nervous. What if the therapist judged me for what I'd been through or who I was? It wasn't my fault I was in the position I was in.

"Don't worry about it now. We can deal with it when the time comes." That was easier said than done. "Now, why don't you get out the bowls and we can have that ice cream?"

He knew exactly what would cheer me up.

– - -

Darren walked into the living room and sat down beside me on the couch. He set the bowl of popcorn he had just made on the coffee table. "The list I made for us is long but I think we can work our way through it over time."

I took a sip of my chocolate milk. "How long is the list?"

Darren smiled sheepishly. "There's a lot. They're mostly animated movies so I think you won't be disappointed."

"I hope not. Which movie are we watching now?"

"This one is called "The Little Mermaid". It's about a mermaid who wishes she could be up on land where all the humans are. An evil octopus lady makes it happen but then she can't talk."

I frowned. "That sounds sad."

"It has a happy ending. There has to be sadness before happiness."

I watched him get the movie loaded up on the TV as I thought about what he said. Was that something that could be the same for me? Was my life sad for so long that now it was time for me to be happy?

Maybe I was just wanting an explanation so I was hoping anything would fit my situation.

Darren lifted the bowl of popcorn and set it in his lap as the movie started up. He didn't seem to notice the panicked thoughts going on in my head and how nervous it was making me.

If only I could have been as calm and relaxed as he was.

I still enjoyed the movie even though I struggled to pay attention. It was a good movie and I liked the plot. The guy that Ariel met on the land, Prince Eric, was cute and I was glad things worked out for them in the end. I always liked a happy ending.

But I couldn't stop worrying that maybe things wouldn't be so happy for me. It was hard for me to not feel jealous that I wouldn't just live out the rest of my life happy and carefree.

Darren paused the movie on the credits and looked over at me. "Are you tired yet?"

I shook my head. I knew myself enough to know that my thoughts would keep me awake. I couldn't get them to stop.

"Do you want to watch another movie? We can cross another one off the list."

I nodded and held out my cup for him to take. "Can I have more chocolate milk, too?"

He took the cup from me. "Okay, but this is your last one. I don't want you going to bed with an upset stomach."

Once I knew he couldn't see my face, I rolled my eyes. I knew a little chocolate milk wasn't going to hurt me.

I grabbed the blanket from the back of the couch and covered myself in it. I didn't plan on falling asleep but I knew the next movie would probably be just as long as the first and I wanted to be comfortable while we watched it.

Darren came back with my chocolate milk and found another movie for us to watch. I knew the list would be a long one since I had been sheltered for most of my life. Just like Ariel, I wasn't allowed to venture out into the world and explore things like others would. I only knew what was inside my bubble and, honestly, that wasn't much.

Darren picked Toy Story as our next movie and settled back in his spot beside me. I wasn't sure if he liked the movies or if he was just watching them for me. He didn't come across as bored but I wasn't good at understanding other people's emotions.

At least watching the movies meant there weren't any hard conversations to be had or anything to be said. It made me feel better about ignoring my problems and just being in the moment.

I liked it best that way.