Small

Sick

Just thinking about trying out therapy made me anxious in a way I hadn't been since moving in with Darren. He made me feel safe and loved so there was never a need for me to feel how I was feeling at that moment. I didn't have to be vulnerable. I didn't have to be scared. But knowing it would happen made me shut down completely.

I fell into a voluntary regression, of sorts. I felt like I needed my sippy cup with me at all times and I played all morning, which I didn't always do. I liked watching TV most days or looking out the window at the clouds as they passed by and the animals that ran through the grass. Maybe I just needed the relief that being a baby gave me.

Darren was very understanding and patient with me. He was already understanding of what I needed. Whenever I got into moods like the one I was currently in, he would let me regress without any complaint. He knew I had to go through it to get through it.

So I played by myself while Darren was working. He said he had some phone calls to make so I wanted to give him time alone so I he could get his work done. I didn't want to give him any reason to be mad at me.

Ted sat facing a doll baby. I was making him play doctor and the baby doll was the patient. Ted wasn't the best doctor but he tried his best. He was too cute to be mad at.

I covered my baby doll up with a small blanket and patted her head. I was pretending that she had a tummy ache and needed medicine to get better. She was being such a good patient for Doctor Ted.

I knew at some point in my life I would have to grow up but I wasn't ready for that yet. I didn't want to have to give up a part of myself that had been there for so long. Even if it happened involuntarily.

There wasn't anything wrong with the way I was living and I was sure that was part of the reason why I was afraid to see a therapist. Would they tell me that I wasn't allowed to act like I did or play with dolls and stuffed animals? Would they tell me that having a daddy was wrong? I wasn't ready to hear those things and I wasn't sure how I would take them if that's what was said to me.

It made me curious about how Darren felt. He always told me there was nothing wrong with me and I believed him. But I knew he could still think it was weird even if nothing I was doing was wrong. I knew people liked different things than others. It didn't make them any worse or better than another.

"Aly?"

I looked at the doorway as I heard Darren calling my name. He stuck his head in and scanned the room until he saw me.

"Hey. What are you up to?"

I patted the open spot on the floor beside me. "Ted is a doctor. He's making everybody feel better."

He walked in and sat down beside me. "When did Ted become a doctor?"

"Everybody got sick so Ted had to be the doctor because he doesn't get sick."

"Oh, really?"

I nodded.

"Do you ever get sick?"

I smiled as I picked up Ted and held him in my arms. "Daddy, everybody gets sick."

Darren leaned back on his hands as he watched me play. "You just said Ted doesn't get sick."

"That's so he can take care of everyone. They can't all be sick at the same time. How would they ever get better?"

"My mom would still take care of me, even if she was sick. Just like I would take care of you if I wasn't feeling good."

I frowned. "But that's not fair to you, daddy."

He shrugged. "It's what we do for the people we love."

I cocked my head to the side as I processed what he said. "I think I would do that for you, too, daddy."

He smiled and got to his feet. "Are you hungry? I have some time before I have to get back to my work."

I nodded and got to my feet as well. "Do you think you can teach me how to cook?"

"That will definitely take some time to learn. But we can start with something easy so you don't get overwhelmed."

"Like what?"

He looked back at me as we walked out into the hallway. "Maybe we can try a sandwich or something."

"You can cook a sandwich?"

He smiled. "Sometimes. It's how you make a grilled cheese sandwich. But we'll start with just making it first. Prep is the most important part of cooking. Without preparing your food, you won't have anything to cook. It'll be all messed up."

I widened my eyes. Who knew cooking could be so complicated? Maybe it would be too much to try when there was so much I didn't know how to do. "Maybe I'll wait. I don't want to do too much all at once."

Darren walked into the kitchen and opened the bottom cabinet beside the stove. "We'll have plenty of time to try new things. We don't have to rush."

"Thanks, daddy." I hopped up on one of the stools at the bar counter and set Ted in the chair beside me.

"How does mac n cheese sound?"

I smiled. "That sounds good to me."

Darren got to cooking and I spent my time trying my best to pay attention to what he was doing. I didn't want him to think I couldn't do anything once he tried teaching me new things. I knew I was still learning and that was okay but I hated the thought that I wasn't smart enough. Darren was so smart and I hated that I wasn't. I really wanted to be good at something.