Maybe

9- Broken

I have spent hours in my room crying over Matt and I don’t know why I can’t stop.

I decided I should go take a nap so that I can rest it off I guess. I changed into a baggy shirt and a random pair of shorts. I turned my phone off and turned my light off.  I jumped in my bed and hugged my pillow as if it were the person I am confused on the most…Matt

 

 

 

 

“Damn it's been 2 days, I knew I shouldn't of asked you.” Matt shouted in my face. He inched closer to me after he screamed.

“You're just like everyone else…”

“You're just like Maria. I don't know why I fall for the cheaters.” He was inches from my face and I stood still just observing his face and how angry he was when he saw us kissing in my kitchen.

I was as mad and confused as to why he wouldn’t let me talk and I was just standing there like an idiot. I opened my mouth to talk but nothing came out. I was talking but there was no sound. What is happening?

Matt was just looking at me with disgust and he grabbed his empty glass of water on his desk and threw at right beside me at the wall, inches away from my body. I cried…no sound. I couldn’t tell him anything. I was frozen still, no movement or sound coming from me. I was just a statue in his room staring at him breaking down.

He walked beside me and slammed his hands on his bedroom wall. “Why Justine, why does everyone do this, why do I deserve this? Why can’t I just be happy?” He cried as he slid down his wall and cried in his hands.

I tried to move but nothing was working. I tried to scream but nothing was working. I was trapped in my body just staring at my best friend break down right in front of me.

“JUST LEAVE I DONT KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I CAN TAKE EVERYONES SHIT. I HATE MY LIFE. I HATE EVERYONE; I HATE YOU” He kept repeating quietly.

“I HATE YOU” Matt was raising his voice more and more.

“I HATE YOU JUSTINE GET OUT OF MY LIFE.” Tears were pouring down my frozen body and he was killing me.

He hates me; he can’t even stand my presence. He hates me so much and I can’t tell him anything. I’m just a lifeless and frozen figure, taking in all the emotions that are being shot at me.

Matthews voice echoed in my head over and over repetitively saying that he hated me and I was trying to scream; I was crying so hard.

I woke up in my bed screaming and crying; I sobbed into my pillow because I was relieved but sad at the same time.

I kept thinking about our fight we had and I was constantly reminded of how Matt said I was the same as all the other girls. I’m a freaking screw up and I can’t keep my head up high anymore.

I walked down stairs and into my kitchen. I opened a drawer and I picked up an object I would of never have thought I would be using for this situation. I had to let it out somehow.

No one really understands me as much as Matt does and with him not being here, for him being the cause of these thoughts that are going through my head right now, its messing with my regular positive thoughts.

How can someone be so sad; I never thought I would be this sad and heartbroken to the point where I’m thinking of doing something I would never do.

I walked back in my bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror and down at my bruised wrists. They are already ugly; why not just make them uglier.

I slid the sharp, cold metal across my wrist. Not too deep; just enough where it would let blood spill out. I wasn’t trying to kill myself; I just need a pain reliever.

As soon as I took the knife off my skin, I looked down at it and started to cry; All because of a dumb boy.

I held my wrist so it would stop bleeding and grabbed toilet paper and let the tissue absorb the thick liquid. I bowed my head down and sobbed.

I shouldn’t of cut, I shouldn’t of. Why am I so stupid; now this scar will be here with me forever. I will be constantly reminded of this day forever; IM SUPPOSE TO FORGET THE PAST. Not relive it every time I see a scar on my arm. I hate myself.

 

I was still crying as I ran the water to take a warm shower. I needed to relax. I took my clothes off and ran the water for the shower and stepped in.

The hot water relaxed my back as I leaned my head against the side on the cold tile. I closed my eyes and started crying again as I remembered all the fun time and the little memories Matt and I had when we were kids.

The play fighting, the random mcdonalds or starbucks runs, the bullies that Matt beat up for me. Just the little things made our friendship the best I could have ever asked for like the hugs I would get when we would be walking to school and as little as his perfect smile made everything better.

I opened my eyes and I was sitting on the floor of my shower crying. Why do things have to be this hard?