Maybe

4- "I needed you"

I was still holding Matts hand as he was sleeping on his bed. I let go of his hand and took my phone out. There were so many texts from Matt and so many missed calls.

Tears filled my eyes as I read them all. I should of at least looked at them. I should if called him back.

"Justine please tell me why you're not talking to me." May 6th 4:03pm

"Please 😔 just say something" May 6th 4:16pm

There were many more texts in between exactly like the ones from May 6th.

"I can't take this anymore, what did I do Justine please answer my calls" May 11th 6:41pm

"I broke up with Maria. She was cheating on me with this senior."

"Negative thoughts... no one can help me. Justine it's coming back again." May 12th 8:58am

After I read that text I started crying more. I remember last year Matt wasn't doing too good. He had depression and major suicidal thoughts. I was always there to help him out of it and think positive. He over came everything and was happy again.

I couldn't handle the thought of causing Matt to attempt at suicide. I was the reason he tried to overdose. I slid my phone on the ground away from my reach so I didn't have to read anymore texts. I rubbed my temples in circles with my fingers trying to calm me down a bit.

My cries filled Matts room as I grabbed his hand again and held it tightly.

"If I wasn't here, you wouldn't have tried to kill yourself. You wouldn't be stressed by me not talking to you. Honestly you would be better off without me." I said to Matts sleeping body quietly.

I got up and let go of his hand. I bent down and kissed his forehead. I walked out of his room and down the stairs towards the front door. I texted his brother to go over and check on him. I told him what had happened and everything and he was really worried.

I wanted to clear my mind. If I go to Johnny and Ryan they will make a big deal about it. I decided to text Alexis to see if she wanted to talk.

"Hey can we meet up I need to clear my mind."

"Yeah sure, I'll come over in 10 minutes" -Alexis 🌚💕

I drove home and ran up to my room and looked in the mirror. I was a mess. My eyes were read and puffy, it looked like I had an allergic reaction to something.

ding dong ding dong

The doorbell rang and I knew it was Alexis. I opened the door and we went up to my room.

If you're wondering where my parents are they are most of the time traveling to Arizona to check on the house we have near Phoenix, I'm usually home alone most of the time.

"So what's up?" Alexis asked me sitting crossed legged on my bed staring at me and waiting for me to reply.

"It's Matt." I said "H..he..he tried to commit...." I took a deep breath and coughed so my voice wouldn't crack. "He's depressed again.... and guess why?!" I expressed
Alexis gave me a questioning look and raised her eyebrows.

"All because of me. I avoided him. Because of Maria, she threatened me and told me to stay away from Matthew" I said rolling my sweater sleeve up.

I showed her the little bit of the bruises and the scratches left from the psycho 2 weeks ago. They were faint, but you could still see them.

"You know you shouldn't be saying that you wish you weren't here because Matt wouldn't be." She started and I actually agreed. She had a point but I still hated myself. "Without your help who knows where he would be. You helped him through so much you know... You guys were always together and helped each other through everything so never ever say you wish you weren't alive." Alexis finished. I started crying and I hugged her tightly.

Her reasoning was true but it was still hard to think positivity. I'm so negative I swear I always out myself down. It's always hard to overcome all the insecurities and all the thoughts growing up. Along with Matt being depressed last year, I was also going through a hard time. Growing up got to me and I would always cry on his shoulder when I needed someone. I'm so grateful Matt was there for me.

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After talking to Alexis I decided to go back to matts and just see how he was doing. I walked in my bathroom and took a shower.

After the shower I quickly threw on one of Matts hoodies he had left a couple months ago and some sweats. I grabbed my keys and drove back to matts house. There were no cars in his drive way so I'm guessing no ones home.

I walked in quietly "Matt?!" I shouted through his halls of his house. "In the kitchen" he replied. I smiled so wife and ran towards the kitchen.

He was sitting on a stool eating an apple. "MATTHEW" I screamed and ran up to him. He turned around and got up. I hugged him very tight and cried in his chest. "Don't cry Justine." He cooed. "I'm so sorry I'm so sorry I'm so sorry Matt oh my god I didn't mean for this to happen, I didn't know Matt." I kept crying and he rubbed my back.

He pulled away and looked at me. "What happened?" He asked me looking at me straight in the eye. I sighed and grabbed his hand and brought him towards the couches.

"It was Maria. She threatened me. I should of told you sooner I'm so sorry" I cried more. "Hey hey it's okay, you saved me Justine, you came and saved me." He said whispering. I looked at him and his head was down looking at the ground.

"Why did you do it?" I questioned grabbing his hands with mine. "How would you feel when someone you have known forever suddenly stopped talking to you and you happen to be in love with them. It killed me, there was no explanation, you just left me." His voice was getting shaking and his eyes were really watery. "Matt let it out I'm here it's okay Matt please." I soothed hoping he wouldn't keep it in.

"It was h..hard, I needed you and you weren't th...there." His voice cracked and tears fell down his cheeks. I pulled him into a hug and let him cry on my shoulder.

I feel so horrible, he says he needed me and I wasn't there to help him get through everything.