The Pain of Loving Her

Chapter 22

"I was joking I wasn't angry." I stand up grabbing both her hands "Come on baby you know me better than that." I kiss her on the forehead.

"I know but you seemed upset through dinner and I really thought you were hurt." She looks really worried.

"I wasn't upset well except when you pushed me away. I thought I did something to you because you and Abby were acting strangely."

"I shouldn't have pushed you away. I know that probably made you feel worse. I'm sorry" she wraps both her arms around me leaning her head in.

"It's okay." She looks up at me.

"Well I still want to make it up to you." I look at her confused and she takes my hand pulling me up to her room.
***Mature***
We enter and the room is dark. Clarke walks around lighting a few candles. Before taking both of my hands. Everything is starting to piece together now. I take a deep breath, I'm ready, reassuring myself.

"Clarke" before I can get anything else out her lips are on mine.

"Tell me if you need to stop" I don't say anything I just pick her up. Moving towards her bed. I trip over something and we both fall. I let out a laugh and continue kissing her. I slowly remove my top and hers as well. I have seen her like this before but this time is different. I move my mouth down to her breasts. I gently kiss them. Clarke moves her hand to the back of head and pushes my open mouth on to her, she moans. Her other hand moves up to cup my boob, a gasp escapes. I kiss the rest of the way down her body ending at the top of her pants. I look up at her and she nods. My hands fidget with the button until I manage to undo it. I slide them down along with her underwear. My eyes move up and down her body trying to figure out what I'm suppose to do. Clarke senses my struggle and flips me over making short work of my pants. She comes up to kiss me.

"Tell me if it's too far" She says as she begins to rock her hips back and forth into my body. I push my hips into hers needing more.

"Baby" is all I say because her lips on my neck make it impossible to think.

She gets the message though and moves her head down my body trailing kisses as she goes. Suddenly everything gets hot and all I want is more of her. She must sense my struggle because she begins quickening her pace. "Clarke" I finish before anything else can come out of my mouth.

I roll on top of her but she sits up with me in her lap. Her lips never separate from mine. We are a tangled mess now but that doesn't stop us.

"I want to" she interrupts me with more kisses on the neck. I forget what I was saying "you" came out of my mouth the next chance I got. I push her down hard. I quickly move my head to her thighs trailing kisses up towards her center. I look up at her one last time before going for it. I mimic what Clarke did the best I can. I guess its working because Clarke's muscle tense around my head. When she relaxes I move back up to her mouth. Rolling both of us over so her head is on top of me both of us trying to slow our breathing. I kiss her head. My eyes become glassy as she draws shapes on my side with her fingers.

"Are you okay?" She breaks the silence as she looks up to me.

"More than okay." I say as tears fall down my face.

"You sure?" She asks as she wipes them away. "You don't seem like it"

"Yes I'm sure." I pull her into a kiss. "They are tears of relief, joy, happiness. It have taken me nine years to allow anyone to touch me the way you do. I never thought I would be able to be this exposed to anyone. Hell I never even thought I would be able to kiss another person without panicking. And yet here I am with you. Thank you so much for showing me what it is to love and be happy."

"Lexa there is no need to thank me. You did it on your own. Now yes this gorgeous body may have something to do with it." She rubs her hand over her body and I crack a smile. " But you allowed yourself to open up. You allowed yourself to love another person. You allowed yourself to love you again. And I have never been more proud to call someone mine."

"I love you. And you are right that body is pretty fucking great." I move my hands up and down her sides. "I really hope I wasn't that terrible."

"I mean you had a pretty good teacher if I do say so myself." She winks and I shake my head.

"Come here you dork." I pull her onto me. We spend the rest of the night in her bed, never bothering to put clothes back on but never doing much more than kiss instead we cuddle and turn on the TV to watch the ball drop. It's the happiest I have ever been and it kind of scares me. But I fall asleep with Clarke's nude body pressed up against me not worrying about what the tomorrow might bring.