The Redemption of Severus Snape

Part 67

"Because I was the only man available."

"You honestly think that?"

"It's the truth except for Dumbledore, and we both know that wasn't going to happen unless you suddenly grew a beard and your voice dropped several octaves."

"A neighbor, the postman, a pizza delivery boy; hell, I could've paid for a man if I was that desperate. I chose you because I wanted you. I still want you, God only knows why." The muscles in Severus' jaw twitched as Lin rattled off her list of potential sex partners. "There it is."

"There what is?"

"The jealousy, Severus. Why are you so jealous if you don't care about me?"

"I never said I didn't care."

"Then tell me how you feel about me." He struggled to speak. His mind was swirling with words, but he just couldn't say them. "Just say it!"

"I can't! I'm not like you! I can't just say what I feel! They...they're inside! They belong inside!"

"See that's why you get so angry. You need a healthier emotional outlet."

"What?"

"Just take a deep breath and say whatever comes to your mind."

Severus looked away from Lin. It was several seconds before he spoke. "I saw Lily when I looked at you. The first time I met you, I saw some of her and I wanted you." He was flustered and searching for words, his low raspy voice cracking from overuse. "I mean...I saw you too. Then you wanted me, and I didn't know what to do. I lied to Dumbledore. I thought...I knew you'd find someone else, someone better, and I didn't want to look like a fool again, so I lied. Please understand I just couldn't let her go. You see, it's my fault she's dead. I brought information to the Dark Lord and he targeted the Potters. They're both dead because of me."

He was trying to hide behind his curtain of hair. Lindsay could see the tears streaming down his face and her anger waned. She placed her hand on his. "Oh, Severus..."

"I killed the only person who ever gave a damn about me."

"No, you didn't. The Dark Lord did."

"He wouldn't have killed her if it hadn't been for the information I gave him."

"You know better than that," replied Lin. "From what I've been told about James and Lily Potter, they were both gifted and defiant enough to be thorns in the Dark Lord's side. He'd have killed them anyway."

"I thought if I protected her son that she'd forgive me, and maybe she'd want me. But she wanted the great Quidditch hero, the brave martyr."

"You think love is like a Quidditch match? Women aren't prizes in Christmas crackers, Severus. We don't sit around in Quidditch trophies waiting for a great athlete to take us home. A woman isn't going to want you just because you've done something heroic—not for the long term anyway; it would be infatuation or gratitude, but certainly not love." Severus thought of his mother—grateful to have a man, any man, take an interest in her. "A relationship based solely on fleeting emotions can't last. If Lily were honest with herself and you, she'd have left you for a man she did love. If she stayed out of obligation, you'd both be miserable. Do you really think you could live happily ever after with a woman who doesn't love you?"

"She's nice to me," growled Severus.

"She isn't nice to you. She was nice to you, and you must accept that she's gone. Loving you as a friend and loving you as a spouse are two very different things." Lin examined his expression and a realization finally dawned on her. "You really don't understand, do you? Oh, Severus, what goes on in that twisted mind of yours?"

"I don't know what you want me to say."

"Tell me why you love Lily."

"No, it's pointless."

"Indulge me...please."

"She..."

"Go on, Severus, say it!"

"She was nice to me!"

"What else? There has to be more than that."

"She was beautiful and clever and...kind."

"Those are wonderful attributes. Now I'll tell you why I love you. Because you're beautiful and clever—don't turn away from me! Look me in the eyes and you'll see I'm not lying to you. I love you because you're beautiful and clever and I enjoy your company. You've made this cold empty house a home for me. I've never in my life wanted to spend so much time at home."

"I can't let her go. She means too much to me."

"It's not a crime to love more than one person. You're not betraying Lily's memory. But you have betrayed my trust. You needed forgiveness, and I can understand that. But you lied to me, Severus. You hid Lily from me. I would never ask you to forget Lily, or to stop loving her, but I won't accept second place."

Severus took her hands and held them tightly. "I never meant that. You're not a surrogate."

Lindsay was silent for moment as she thought things over. "You swear to me that I'm not going to discover some tryst, or broken engagement, or string of women—"

"Other women? What do you think I'd win them over with, my charm or this handsome face?" He turned his head to give her a stark profile that enhanced the size of his nose.

"They won me over," said Lin.

"Why do you say things like that?" said Severus bitterly.

"Because they're true; because I love you."

Severus rolled his eyes. "There's no one else. There was only ever Lily. I swear it."

"I suppose I can forgive this little deception of yours, but don't think it's going to be easy for me, Severus." He grinned. "What's so funny?"

"You're jealous."

"Well, what did you expect?"

"I don't know, but not that. No one's ever been jealous regarding me."

"So I have a jealous streak," confessed Lin. "It's small one, but it's there." She tugged on his hands. "Come to bed, Severus. You don't think I'm going to let you wallow in misery in the cellar, do you?"

Severus seemed to get continuously paler as they approached their bedroom. He was strongly favoring his right leg. Lin helped him undress and dropped a fresh nightshirt over his head. He placed his hands on her shoulders and gently kissed her lips. Then he leaned his forehead against hers and whispered, "I like you. I do." Her broad welcoming smile returned as she helped him settle into bed. He woke in time for dinner, but chose to eat in Lin's...in their bedroom, and hopefully avoid Molly's fussing.