Love Lessons

Chapter Forty: I'm Damaged Goods for All to See

40| Cole

~*~I’m damaged goods, for all to see. Now who would ever want to be with me? ~*~

            I stood outside her door and listened to her cry. There was a lump in the back of my throat that I couldn’t swallow. My heart was shattered in a million pieces and I had to cover my mouth from crying. She was sobbing and it was my fault. I listened as Tyler tried to calm her down but she was having a panic attack. I hated myself for what I did, but I knew I needed to do it. It took everything I had in me to not go after her- to tell her that I didn’t want this either.

            “I hate him.” I heard her say. I felt my tears finally falling from my face and I had to use all of my willpower not to punch something. She had every right to hate me. I fucking hurt her! There was no way she was going to be able to move past this and I had ruined everything she worked hard to be.

            “Why doesn’t he want me anymore?” I heard Jess cry. “Why am I not good enough for him anymore?” My hand grabbed my chest as a pain shot through it. This must be what heartbreak felt like. I couldn’t stand to hear her pain anymore so I walked into my room. It felt empty without her here.  It had only been twenty minutes and I felt this big hole in my heart.  I was angry, angry that once again I was sacrificing my happiness because of her. I wanted to be with Jess, I wanted to see her life; I didn’t want to be the reason she cried. Unfortunately, she was going to come after Jess if I didn’t break myself away from her. No one would understand; I couldn’t do anything. This was the only thing I could do to protect her and as it broke us, it was what I needed to do. Jess was the most important person in my life- if breaking her heart kept her safe from my mother, I would do it.

            My mother had called me while I was in the hospital with everyone and I knew it couldn’t have been good. Not only was my mother crazy, but she was also angry. I argued with her on the phone for forty-five minutes, but there was no getting through to her. If I didn’t lose Jess, she would do it for me. It sounded ridiculous and bizarre, but I knew all too well that she would do something. I wanted to tell Jess everything, but the less she knew the better it would be for her. My mother had listed all this private information about Jess- some things that even I didn’t know. I wanted to know how my mother got it; but that didn’t matter, she was going to go after Jess if I didn’t get rid of her.

            I couldn’t sleep that night. I stared at the ceiling, blinking back my tears. I knew Tyler was in her room comforting her and it was because of me she was this way. If I hadn’t brought her into my life, my mother wouldn’t have went off the deep end and started to come up with a plan to permanently remove Jess from my life.  This was the price I had to pay and I just had to suck it up and live with it. Jess deserved someone better than me anyway, someone who didn’t have all this baggage to hurt her. I knew I was going to regret hurting her and living without her; but I would not regret doing something that would put her in the best safety. It’s always said that if you love something you’ll set it free; I just hope it’s true.

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            Tyler pushed me against the back of my door as soon as he came back from her room. I was startled and slightly annoyed that he couldn’t speak with his words, but I knew I deserved it. I had shattered her heart and let her crumble to the ground.

            “What the hell is the matter with you?” He snapped, tightening his grip on my t-shirt. I tried to wiggle out of his grip but he pushed me against the door again.

            “You don’t understand, Tyler.” I sighed.

            “Tell me what I don’t understand, Cole. I watched as you two fell in love with each other and then you just broke her fucking heart. She was throwing up last night because you put her in such an anxiety attack! No one deserves that! So I’m going to ask you again, what the hell crawled up your ass?” His eyes were filled with fury and I was glad that she had someone fighting for her when I wasn’t.