Finding myself

Chapter 9

I am not usually as moody as I was at school today. I am more of a happy go lucky person even after everything. Today, it brought out that side because Blaze proposed I guess. But I have sworn to myself that I am not going to let it get to me again. Nothing broke me or anything and my life's not such a big mess, so I guess I don't have anything to be heartbroken over. Ok, that might be a lie because dad's and mom's issue gets to me like anything. And I do cry myself to sleep on countless nights. But I just ignore the pain and go about like nothing happened.

We never had this system of different eating timings in dad's pack, but I don't know how things are now. After all, after mom went into a coma he was a broken mess. Thus my pack, or former pack, whatever has lost the position of being the strongest pack in the world to this pack, the silver moon. Moonstone, my pack is south to this pack and now only holds a 5th position, which is actually not so bad, considering what state my dad might be in. My mom never woke up so I can only imagine what he has gone through. He got to know his mate, spend time with her. So losing her is double as hard for him as it is for me as I never really knew Blaze in the first place. Wait, why I am always relating to him as my mate and I am seriously going off-track here.

Anyway, Anastasia is going to dip my hand in oil so I thought I might write at least 2 days worth of diary. Guess I accomplished that.

I shut the book and sighed, laying back on my bed. Anastasia said that we are going to meet up for it after dinner. I stared at the ceiling. When did my life turn up so bad? Even when I closed my eyes all I could hear were the screams of pain and terror of that day. I saw people running and children crying and my mom... collapsing as she smiled at me. It was not as radiant as her usual mischievous smile or the grand one she gave others as their luna, but it was still the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. She had tears in her eyes but the way she looked at me when her life was precariously balancing on the edge of death...

I shook myself off to clear the memory. At least she was okay. I made my way over to the only window in my room. It is actually a store room but since my aunt didn't want to 'trouble the alpha' with finding a new room for me along with her two daughters who got separate rooms, she decided to make me adjust and I got this room. Great way she manipulated people. It is pretty small and I have to use the common bathroom. But this will do.

This room's only advantage was that it was opposite Blaze's master suite on the opposite to the block of my building. So I got to see him before anyone else every day. Even before that goody two shoes Jem. I wasn't stalking. But it always seemed like a private moment between us. For me. But I don't want to tell you the number of times I had to turn away when Jem came in and things well... got heated. I had cried a couple of times seeing that.

Blaze was the typical bad boy type. An extreme one at that. No, he doesn't do drugs or smoking or anything. Yes, he is an alpha, he is responsible and all that. And don't mistake me, he knows how to speak well in front of his people and inspire them. But he is the kind of guy who doesn't give a damn about what anyone thinks of him... maybe except Jem and is parents and few friends if he considered them that. He is an introvert with a super genius brain. How do I know this? Well, I observe too much and all I can say is, he only talks when absolutely necessary. He wears a scowl on his face most of the time. And the other day when the teacher asked him a question... he didn't answer. Instead, he sat on his chair like he owned everything (which he did) and stared her down. He is a super genius. And in the end, he just walked out of the class after muttering something in the lines of 'the problem you did on the board is wrong'! He was right! It was wrong as the teacher immediately rushed over and corrected it. None of us knew because it was a really complex problem. So it was hot and seriously cool. Many girls were fanning themselves after he got out and gently closed the door on the face of the shocked teacher. The news spread like wildfire. People literally bowed at his feet when he walked through the hallway while teachers looked at him slightly unnerved. He ignored all that. But when he got to an agitated Jem, rumors say he got smacked over the head. I dunno. Maybe she has some sense after all. He should care a li'l bit more. But she is the only person he listens to.

Seriously that boy is a freaking genius. He has the looks and the brains. And like my father he is also in the hacking game. Almost all alphas and betas are. It seems to be some game for all the alphas or something. I really don't know. But I do know that if you are a good hacker it means you probably have a high IQ. I wish I was trained like him. So that maybe... just maybe I can beat him at his own game and impress him.

Ok, now I have officially gone insane. Imagine going behind your romantic pursuit by hacking into their private stuff. Geez Z! Get some sense into that muddled brain of yours.

I've heard he wasn't always like this though. He came down like this only after his mother's death. Not that I know him in the first place. And all the praise of the glorious words he speaks now with that totally soon able voice goes to Jemima freaking Monroe. As I have heard that he didn't speak for a year after his mom's death until Jem came along.

It was already 9:30 so I am guessing I have to eat dinner and then go to my aunt for the punishment.

The funny thing is that I am no longer scared of pain. I am scared of her but not the pain she can deliver. It can be disturbing coming out of the mouth of a 15-year-old, but I am used to even the whips by now. Sadly I am not used to the she-devil in the form of my aunt.

The door creaked opened intruding into my thoughts. I looked up to see my aunt standing there with a cold look on her face. A shiver ran through my spine.

"Come on. We have to get going," she said

"I thought it was after I ate dinner," I said, my voice shivering.

Getting any and all kinds of reaction from me were her goal. That's why I grew numb to pain over the years and I admit even my freakish healing ability helped, I didn't want to give her the satisfaction. But that just made her look for more torturous methods. I remember my cousin shrieking and comparing me to some other wolf though. I don't exactly remember. He is called polverline or something. She never told me where I can meet him other than 'TV' but I do hope to meet him one day (she and her friends have these sessions once a week to watch TV for which I am never invited, my aunt made sure of it. The only time I came close to that technology is during breaking news that every wolf must watch in the main hall or the computer classes in my school but those were rarer than a blue moon.) What parents in their right mind would name their child something like that? I know we are werewolves, but geez people why do you make it so obvious? As if all the troubles we have from humans aren't enough already. So they put a name that shouts out ''Hey guys! Here I am a werewolf, Hunt me!"

"I said my dinner. Not yours." She said as her perfect lips lifted in a perfect smile, which brought me back. I am showing her she won. I gulped down my fear from having her so close and nodded. Oh, just another day I am gonna starve.

She walked out the room and I stood up on my trembling legs to follow her. Be brave Zara. Don't let her get to you.

Hey, ladies and gentlemen! I know it has been some time. But my exams are really near. It ends only in May. I give you no guarantee until then to give you fast updates. But I will try.

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