L O S T .|| ✔ //MxM

F I F T Y - F O U R

Demilade

It's been two months since I last saw Mitch. Since I left him.

Since I fled his bedside leaving only a one -sentence note for him to wake up to.

"I love you too."

I watch as the river ripples, steadily rocking the mini boat I'm sitting in and my heart along with it. Though I refuse to acknowledge the pain, it still sears me blind till I'm unable to focus on anything.

I've managed to learn how to not break into crying hysterics when this pain flashes. But karma hasn't been so kind to me. As everything and anything reminded me of him.

I was having such a great life with him. Well, I was going to.

He made me want to forget the many things I remembered that night. Sometimes I even found myself forgetting they happened but just as I start to enjoy whatever happy moment I was in, flashes from my past, take lead and ruin it.

I felt too ashamed about my past. He promised he would never feel different about me, but I knew he would. And I couldn't bear to see the one person I might love have disgust for me written all over their face.

So I devised am exit strategy.

For two weeks, while I planned, I made a show of slowly recovering. Then I set up a goodbye gift for him.

The fact that I was abused was pretty obvious, so I talked about how much being on my back was a reminder of those abusive days. Without saying anything I dropped hints about my childhood, making Mitch believe I was working my way to being open with him.

Though I wished it terribly, I couldn't bring myself to get past how he could react to my past.

So I woke up one fine morning, in his arms, two months ago and left with what I came to him with. Nothing. It pained me to do so especially watching him sleep peaceful and knowing that I would be causing a deep  well of hurt in him. But I couldn't stay there any longer pretending that I was worthy enough to have someone like him love me. I couldn't live with having to control my cringing every time he touched me because it wasn't his hands I was feeling but theirs.

With the little time I spent with Etienne he spoke so much about this little village that he had surprisingly never been to but knew every nok and crany. So with very little time to prepare and a lack of knowledge for the area, I bought a one way bus ticket to Stoway. Albeit it wasn't a place I was familiar with but for me, it became a safe haven for me to look forward to healing.

It's been two months since I left him and I'm not even close to being the me I used to be. In fact I'd rather be back in their hands than here right now.

A knock on my door pulls me out of my thoughts and saves me from dicing up my fingers.

Zach was here to deliver the fish.

I cleaned up my eyes of the tears that had never stopped failing as best as I could before calling out to him. Didn't want him asking for the umpteenth time if I was doing okay.

"Coming." I shouted, releasing the lock on the door.

But standing on the other side wasn't Zach. The fish was present but it wasn't in Zach's hands.

Standing outside my door was Mitch, with one pound weight in fish in his hands, looking as terrible as I feel.

The E N D.