I've been having a really hard time with my body lately, and nothing specific brought it on, sometimes it just happens, all of you other trans folks know how it goes. Some days you can almost tollerate your body, other times it feels like you're burning alive. I highly reccomend that you guys watch the movie called A Girl Like Me, it's a story about a Male-to-Female transgender named Gwen, I couldn't watch all of it; tbh I was sobbing within the first 30mins. It's so much different from Boys Don't Cry, which is about an FtM and his adult life, and his murder. A Girl Like Me shows what it's like to grow up knowing you're in the wrong body, even as a little kid.
The two quotes that stuck with me were:
Mom: Eddy, you know you're a boy right?
Eddy, then looks so tortured, so pained by this simlpe statement, that it brought on a fresh new wave of tears for me. For those of you that are cis-gendered, you need to understand that for trans people, we have to transition; it's life or death and nothing less. It's the only way we can be happy, it's the only way we can live. We have to be who we are, or we'll die. Some trans people know that something's not right from a young age, like Gwen, which was the name Eddy preferred when she started to transition from a boy to a girl.
The next quote that I loved, and this one still makes me cry:
Gwen and her mother are fighting about her transitioning, and the fact that she's started to date cis-gendered men who don't know the fact that she's not a bio-female.
Gwen: You're just trying to make me into someone you want me to be!
Mom: It's not who I want you to be, it's who God made you!
Gwen: If God made me, God's a sadist!
Take a moment, just close your eyes, and be. Think of the very basic things that make you who you are, for those of you that are cis-gendered, I want you to put yourself in Gwen's place, in my place, in the place of every trans person in the world:
You know beyond all doubt, with everything you are, that you are a boy [I'm using my situation here], every time you look in the mirror, your brain screams 'BOY'. You know it in your bones, you've always known; what you also know is, your body, it's a cage.
Every waking moment of every day feels like you're stuck in a costume that's too tight and has been set on fire; and no matter what you do, the older you get, the more female it becomes, the more female you look. And, also, as time passes, as you age from a child to an adult, your feelings of dysphoria get stronger and stronger.
You can no longer shower with the lights on, nor can you touch your body without being repulsed, a shudder of disgust rips through you. You can't look in the mirror for more than a moment, lest you break down and sob. As you dress, whisper to yourself, 'I am all man. I am all man', even as you slide the bra into place.
Every night you dream of a male body that matches your mind. Every morning when you wake up, you want to put a bullet through your head.
People tell me God made me this way, a girl. If god made my body, then he made my mind and everything in it.
I ask you, why would God take a boy's brain, and put it in a girl's body? What kid of God would do that, and demand that I live this way?
Food for thought.
