I can't feel this way. I can't I don't. But it still hurts. I still feel memories of you clawing at me, even more so now. I see a glimpse of who you used to be and I feel something inside me flutter. You aren't mine anymore, I gave you up, again. I know it was for the best, but now you're sick and I want to give you everything I have just so you can go on. The idea of you not being around anymore hurts more than I want to admit.
I don't want to miss you anymore. I don't want to feel this thing pulling at me anymore. You were the only woman I ever loved, and I think part of me will always be yours. I kept that story I was writting, you know, the one about us, in Cali? I can't make myself get rid of it, but I do that with everything I write.
I'm so emotional right now, and I hate it. I promised myself that I'd never feel this way about you anymore, and that I'd never go back to that. But, it's just like I keep telling people, you can't control how you feel. Sometimes, I wish I could. I can still remember the first time, in the summer. That terrible thing I did...
I'm sorry. I just, I know it's never gonna fix it, and I know that it tore you apart, and I did that again this fall, there are no excuses. None. It still hurts me because I can't believe I hurt you, I promised I never would, I promised you all of these things, and I never kept them. I'm so, so sorry.
I wish I knew some way to make things okay for you, make you healthy, and give you everything you deserve. I'm healthy, physically, and I don't want to live. I wish I could give you my body, or at least parts of it and I don't care how sick that sounds.
I want you to be healthy and go to that school in LA and take amazing photos of bands and animals and do everything you want to do. I want you to see the world, and fall in love and love a long, wonderful life.
Even if it means I'm never a part of it.
I just want you to be better.
So you can live.
- Jor
