My house has been stripped of all things Christmas, all that remains is the dead, dropping tree that we have to leave on the cirb. I hate taking holiday decorations down, which is odd considering how much i actually hate holidays now. I didn't always, but after my parents split, the joy familly feeling sort of left when my father did. I won't go into details about the split, because no one wants to hear that, and i try not to think about it anymore. It's one of those ugly things that everyone knows happened, but you don't think about it. It's like having a huge gash on your face, it's healing and awkward and itchy, so you try not to pick at the scabs.
Anyway. It's two days before my birthday - the horror! I don't like the attention I get on my birthday, it's just awkward. Like, when people sing Happy Birthday to you, and you just sit there blushing, red and feeling like a total idiot. The entire day feels like that for me. I love other people's birthdays, but not mine. I guess it has something to do with the 'I don't deserve anything good' mentality I have. Again, that takes a lot of explaining, but I guess it's related to the theme of this, based on where this feeling stems from.
Basically, my family is very Christian not total extreme, but still into it enough that I don't really feel all that safe in my own house. My parents have never hit me, or beat me, but there has been other abuse, just nothing of the physical sort.
As I said earlier, homophobic, stubborn and close-minded. The world is black and white for them, and always will be. It's ironic that I, myself am a shade of grey, unseen and never to be noticed. My parents never educated us in the regards of homosexuality, pretending such a thing never existed. I didn't learn about it until I left the saftey and controled enviornment of my Christian grade school and dove into public middle school.
It changed my life, and almost destroyed it. It was there I realized that my feelings about my body were far from normal, and the way I felt about boys, added to that, was even more odd. Just another thing that made me other.
I have a lot of otherness shoved on me. Sometimes it makes me feel like some magical creaute, a Unicorn, or a Magic Carpet. Most of the time, I feel like an alien on my own planet. Let me list the things that make me other, for you:
1. Born with Cerebral Palsy.
2. Left-Handed.
3. Partialy Color Blind - It's not supposed to happen in females, and if it does, it can also bring with it hallucinations.
4. Visual, Auditory Hallucinations, Paranioa, Phobias.
5. Major Depression.
6. Insomniac.
7. Empathic Ability.
8. Autistic.
9. OCD.
There's more, but this is starting to make me depressed.
Back to what I was saying, when I started to see the many ways that I was different from everyone around me, I started to feel like shit. Dirt. Less than dirt. My parents telling us that gays went to hell didn't help at all. At some point during these years, I got the idea in my head that I didn't deserve anything good, and if something good came my way, I destroyed it. I even took to destroying myself.
So, now you see why I'm so down on myself. Always being told you're a freak, abomination, evcentually you start to believe it. At least, until your horn comes in, and you realize what a chance you have to change people's lives. Teach them something. I've had people tell me that they've learned from me, that I've helped them change the way they see gender and even themselves. Helped them to accept themselves. I never, ever thought I could do that for anyone. I've just been trying to survive.
My mother - and pretty much everyone else I've ever spoken to - has always told me I was amazing. Special and a gift from God. Sure. I never understood what was so amazing about me, still don't. I just see me, my flawls, what makes me me. Life everyone else, I have a balance of good and bad qualities, but I never thought I was anything great.
After coming out, my dating life took a HUGE smack in the gonads. I never had much issues getting guys when I was living as a female. I was actually really shocked just how many guys had been secretly panting after my hobbly self. That also has to do with my mother telling me that no man would ever want me, because of how I dressed. My style hasn't changed at all since I came out, so what you see in that small thumbnail is what I dressed like then.
I didn't start dating until I was 16, never really saw the point until I decided to just take a risk. See, the thing with boys - how I love them - is once you put your toe in the water of male maddness, you'll never get out again.
Granted, I was never one for longevity. My relationships, if you could call them that, lasted a week, then I kicked the guy to the cirb. I got bored, irritated that I always felt like the 'man' in the relationship. I was still trying to force myself to be a girl then, so....
Of course, it's hard to stick with a guy that tells you he tried to commit suicide with a plastic sword. Jesus A Christ..
I've dated a couple of guys since coming out that were cool with it. It's great to have that guy there that accepts you and loves you for who you really are inside. Helps you learn to accept yoursellf. Christitan -haryaryar- was my first boyfriend that I had after I came out, we stayed together for 9 months. My first serious relationship. He was good for me, we were a lot alike and I had a really good time with him, but all good things must come to an end.
Like always, I was the heartbreaker. As much as I hate to admit it, adjusting to life without him wasn't hard. I guess i had been ready to end things for longer than I realized. After that, I dated another guy, but only for a week, due to his lack of intelligence. He couldn't even spell deep. How...nevermind.
Now, dating is pretty much the last thing I worry about. I have school, graduating high school, to worry about. School is long, messy and complicated and I'll save that for another day. I have my mental health to keep in check, which seems to be getting more and more difficult as I age. And, of course, my writing.
Honestly, I don't really want to settle down with anyone. It seems really unfair when my heart belongs to my writing, my characters and the worlds I create in my head. My writing has always been the most important thing to me, always will be. Now, I'm not saying that if some guy came and knocked me off my ass, that I'd fight it. I wouldn't. If that happens, it happens. But I'm not looking for that.
Finding someone isn't the center of my life. I'm happy with myself, and have my hands full getting my life together. And that's okay.
Welp, I have stories to update, happy late new year guys.
- Jor
