Finally Together

Chapter Thirty-Two

Khadijah

"You don't know?" Chris repeated. He wasn't loud but his voice was deep and intense. I recognized that tone and I just knew an argument was coming.

"She wanted honesty," I said.

"Then why the fu-" He started yelling but cut himself off. "Then why would you come in the first place?"

"God, I don't know! Everything is messed up," I cried.

Instead of yelling at me more like I expected, Chris just shut up and sat there. His eyes stared outside, not even blinking. I stayed stiff waiting for his reply but I never got one. The only movement in the car was Chris playing with his hands. I didn't notice at first but soon enough I heard a snapping noise coming from him.

"What are you doing?" I questioned, peeking at his arm but he wouldn't let me see. I thought it was a nervous tick he developed or something so I just let it go and the noise stopped after that.

"I want this, Khadijah," Chris spoke on our relationship.

"I kn-" I started but was cut off. "I'm gonna try for us, for you. I started my anger management therapy." He finally looked at me and I could tell he was serious for once.

"How are you feeling?" My voice was gentle, I hoped I was comforting him. At times, he could get so vulnerable and almost childlike.

His shoulders shrugged a little which let me know the therapy hasn't been easy. "I got this."

His right wrist lifted and I finally got the connection as to what the snapping noise was. A standard rubber band was tightly around his wrist. What was truly scary was the blood coming from his wrist and staining the band.

"When I'm mad, I'm supposed to pull it to control myself, I guess," Chris said.

"How long have you had it?"

"3-4 days."

My eyes damn near bulged out my head. His wrist looked terrible. Only 3 days? His anger problems were so much deeper than I had thought. The blood was beginning to drop meaning he was pulling the band much harder than necessary. I got a nearby tissue and began dabbing his wrist.

"Chris, you shouldn't be hurting yourself," I said, quietly.

"It works though. I've been pretty normal today, haven't I?" He mumbled.

"It doesn't matter, Chris. You shouldn't be normal if it means hurting yourself to get that way."

"Better to harm myself than you," He whispered, placing a kiss on my hand.

He was self-harming over me? God, what in the world are we coming to? Someone in this relationship is always getting hurt. For the first few years it was me but the pain had now just transfered over to him. No matter what we did, something about us together was so destructive.

"Chris, you know that's not right to say. Nobody should be getting harmed! You can't keep doing this," I pleaded, keeping my eyes on his wrist. "What about your art? That should be your outlet when you're upset, not some stupid rubber band."

"I'm fine Khadijah," Chris attempted to reassure me. After seeing my still upset face, Chris added, "I swear everything will be just fine."

My heart was hurting and the air in the car was too heavy to continue to have a complete conversation.

"Come back to my place." I demanded more than asked.

With nothing more said, Chris drove back to my apartment. We slowly made our way up to my room. As soon as we got inside, I laid on the bed and motioned for him to follow. Fully clothed, he dropped on top of me, laying his head on my chest. For the next hour, I laid still, rubbing his hair and listening to him snore.