Fyodor One Shots

Intimacy

Currently, you were employed at the Armed Detective Agency in Yokohama. You had gone there because of your ability, as you had wanted to have some sense of control over it. This is what you had been given, but you had always had second thoughts about joining.

The test that was given to possible members had made you think of yourself differently. These new feelings gnawed at you with each passing day.

This lead you to isolate yourself, even at work as the other employees tried to get you to "break out of your shell" as Dazai had put it. You knew that he had realized that you were having doubts, and that he had probably encouraged the others to fawn over you.

This however, made you feel worse. You felt as if you were leading them on. You were the only one there that would not willingly risk their own life for another.

You had felt nothing when one of the members feigning criminality had pointed a fake gun at one of the clerk's heads. Somehow intuitively, it had all seemed like a ruse to you. You feared for neither her life nor your own.

You stepped between her and the toy without thinking, as if in a daze. Everything seemed like a blur. The sound of a gun went off, but no bullet was fired.

You had passed the test, and the members greeted you warmly.

You could not stay there for much longer. Despite the logistical benefits, you knew that it was not in your nature to give your life for others, nor to be a hero. Their kindness was not something you deserved, nor something you found necessary.

You had always needed to numb your emotions and live in seclusion. Your ability allowed you to view and feel the thoughts and memories of others when you came in contact with them. Therefore, you had always preferred to avoid others. You hated feeling intimacy with so many who felt nothing towards you.

While being a member of the ADA allowed you to only use your power when you chose to, there was still an intimacy being forced upon you. You couldn't stand it. When people touched you or brushed past you accidentally, you still flinched and anticipated their thoughts crawling into your mind.

Your brain was stuck in constant battle. You were lonely when you sat in your house all day, and you were anxious whenever you were around others. You wondered which side would win.

Sometimes, you wanted to live underground. You would have a small camera above ground to view the people who walked over you. You would create stories for them, none of which would be accurate. You would never know them, and they would never know you.

Other times, you just wanted to be held. To feel another person. This feeling scared you, it made you shiver and brought you to the point of nausea. Sometimes it came to the point where the bile in your throat almost tasted sweet, like the candy your mother used to buy. You felt mad; out of your mind.

Your eyes, still stuck on the note, finally began to move elsewhere. You quickly put away the letters and went to sleep, the words still ringing in your mind.

-

You hadn't gone to work today. You couldn't have, not after finding the message. You had called in sick.

You were sitting at your kitchen table, it was almost 11pm. You fiddled with a hair elastic; pulling and stretching it in different directions. Your eyes were glued to the table. You had obsessively thought about the person who had sent those letters all day. You wondered if they really meant what they had said.

A light knock sounded at your door suddenly, making you jump from your seat. Your head shot up to stare at the door, and the knock rang again.

Your heart knocked back against your chest. You made your way to the door and opened it slowly. You peered around the it, and were met with violet irises.