Fyodor One Shots

Uncertainty

anrevki said: "Hello there! I've been quite a fan of your content and writing style ever since I first discovered it on Wattpad, and would like to ask if you would be willing to write a scenario about Fyodor returning to Russia to visit his s/o who lives in a mental asylum (maybe details about how this affects him and what his s/o did to get in there?). Perhaps not the happiest scenario, but I certainly think it would be interesting for you to write about! Thank you very much!"

Hello! I'm really happy that you enjoy my stuff! I'm fine with writing most things honestly, and this idea is certainly interesting. Hopefully it didn't turn out too boring or anything. In any case, thank you for your request :-)

-

Guilt will catch up to you. If you are someone who feels guilt, that you can be sure of.

There was so much blood on his hands, on your hands for standing by.

"They'd be dead before their 20's if not for me. I'm doing them a great service."

Children. Sometimes you see them in your room, shaking, crying. Numbness would be nice, like his numbness, but for you.

He put them down like they were stray dogs. Was that the way to think about it?

"I'm their god. Don't you think I know what's best for them?" He's so blank when he says it, distant.

You don't understand. Maybe you never can. You wonder if that disappoints him, but he says he understands.

It didn't take long for him to realize that there was something wrong with you.

"What are you seeing?" he had asked.

You tell him about the children, and you tremble just like them. The children that he put to sleep, screaming the way they would've if they knew before he touched them.

You'd seen adults before them, but it was never as bad. Those times just left you uneasy; one face blurred into the next. There was something different about children. They never got a chance at anything, did they? The world was cruel, and so was god.

"I can't put logic before everything like you... my head won't let me." you had said.

"If I can help it, you'll never see another body. Besides, those children can't hurt you, they're all in your head. Just stay here, where it's safe."

"B-but, I want to help you! A-and you can't just leave me alone all the time..."

"Shhh дорогая. I'll be here as much as I can. I'll find a way to help you, so don't fret."

(дорогая — dorogaya — darling)

It was inevitable that he would go away, at least occasionally. The hallucinations were always at their worst then, when you were alone.

You began seeing a specialist, but the medication and therapy didn't do the trick. Something was recommended, and the decision between you was mutual considering the severity.

You would live in a psychiatric hospital and receive treatment there. It was hoped that being around others would work as a comfort.

You had been there for a few months now, and Fyodor would visit at least once a month. Usually he'd take you out, it wasn't a prison after all.

-

"I hope you don't blame yourself," you mutter.

He laces his fingers with your's. "I've told you, I don't blame either of us. Your reaction was natural."

You stare at the ground as you both exit the hospital. "I can't see it that way. It's a weakness, really. Though I think it's both of our faults. You for killing like it's nothing, me for letting guilt take hold of my entire life."

You glance up to see Fyodor contemplating your words. Despite how he always replies, you knew that he blamed himself, at least partially.

"I want you to fix me," you say abruptly, "I'm sick of this place. I'm sick of having to see those damn children!"

"What do you mean by that?" he questions incredulously. He stops in his tracks, you with him.

The idea had hit you like a bolt of lightning, you felt jittery. "You could remove the part of my brain that makes me feel guilty. Or better yet, erase the memory altogether! Almost like what you did to Ivan, right?"

There's a moment of silence. This wasn't the response you expected, "No?" you frown.

"It's not as simple as that, unfortunately. The brain is a complex system. Even though there is some idea of which parts contribute to what, the brain is too greatly interconnected for removing one part to not affect other functions as well. It would likely ruin your health, psychically and mentally. I would never risk it."

"But you would risk it on Ivan?" you feel agitated. 

"Of course I had less regard for him when we first met, he was just an acquaintance. You know how he is though don't you? Almost childish, oh-so dependent on others. I can assure you that he wasn't like that before, he's like that because of what I did to him."

"But he's happy?"

"Very much. However, he is not the same person as he once was. When you remove an important part of someone's mind, you make them into someone new; you destroy their previous self. If I did that to you, the person I care about most would be gone. Is that what you want?"

You suddenly wrap your arms around Fyodor's torso, pressing yourself against him. He hugs you back slightly in response.

"I just want their images to stop haunting me. I want to be with you again... Please Fedya," you murmur into his chest.

He hesitates for a moment.

"Can you take me out of here for good? Fedya?" you look up at him, waiting.

"The doctors say that they see improvement," he says. "You know if you leave early it may get worse again. I'm sure it'll just be a few more months."

You pull away from him, sighing. "I know that, I'm just being an idiot." you reply. "But who are you trying to comfort more, me or yourself?"

He frowns. 

"I can't be sure."