Fyodor One Shots

Inevitability

Angst requested by solcea. 

I hope that this is angsty enough for you. Thank you for requesting!

PS. Sorry for taking so long, I haven't been doing very well recently because of school and some family stuff.  

This tackles a pretty serious topic. I researched it and tried to be as accurate as possible. Please don't hesitate to tell me if I wrote something incorrectly, or if my writing about it is inappropriate or offensive in someway.

- 

It was around 10pm when you first found out something he didn't want you to know. It was at this same time seemingly out of nowhere, that he dropped to the floor. He fell backwards, eyes still open. His head hit the edge of the mattress before it slid onto the floor with the rest of his body.

You ran over immediately and kneeled beside him, panic-stricken. You had never felt more scared in your entire life.

"Fyodor! Are you okay?" you cried. No response. "Shit, shit. H-he's unconscious" you cursed.

And then it got worse. His body, which was already unnaturally stiff, began to convulse all over. His muscles shook in unison, his mouth even opened and closed slightly.

You stared at him for a few seconds until you finally got over the initial shock. He was having a seizure.

What do I do!? What do I do!!? you repeated inwardly, completely horrified. You quickly grabbed your phone from your pocket to Google proper procedure. Your hands shook, and you glanced quickly between Fyodor and your phone as the results loaded.

You quickly scanned over the webpage that you opened. "A-alright, first I've got to move him on to his side." you muttered nervously as you began to do just that.

Once he was in what you hoped was a good position, you tried to move some of the nearby furniture away like the website suggested. You then hoped for the best.

"This is all I can do." you sniffed slightly as tears began to roll down your face. It was terrible, seeing him like this. His strange movements that you had never witnessed before, and the blank unconsciousness of his still open eyes.

After a couple of minutes which felt almost like hours to you, the seizure passed. Fyodor's eyes regained a strange form of half-consciousness, and his limbs that had finished convulsing dropped lightly to the floor.

You were sitting beside him within seconds, tears still flowing freely from your eyes.

He stared up at you, blinking a few times in confusion. He opened his mouth to say something, but for a few seconds nothing came out but a small croak. "You're crying? Why?" his words came out slowly, with much effort.

"Are you alright? Did you bite your tongue? Are you in pain anywhere?" you questioned frantically.

"I think I'm okay..." Fyodor muttered, trailing off.

"I'll help you up." you offered, taking his hands. He used you as support to stand up, and you lead him to the nearby bed so he could sit down.

You stared at him for a few seconds, many questions were swirling in your head. Fyodor began to bite one of his thumbs, you knew it was a comfort for him. He looked much more tired than usual, with reason.

"Do you need anything?" You asked, breaking the short silence. "Whatever it is I'll get it for you."

"I'm fine," Fyodor mumbled, still preoccupied with his thumb. He seemed like he wanted to avoid looking at you.

"You had a seizure." You said quietly "Do you have them often?"

"Only about once a year. I take medication so they're not that frequent." Fyodor replied.

"So you have epilepsy then?"

"Yes."

"Didn't it ever occur to you that it was important for me to know that?"

"Yes."

"If you're telling the truth, then why didn't you tell me?" you asked, frustration evident in your voice.

"I'm sorry... I didn't want to tell you." Fyodor mumbled in response.

"T-that's not really a valid excuse, i-is it?" you stammered. You felt yourself begin to cry once again.

You paused, trying to regain your composure for a good couple minutes. It didn't help you.

"You should have told me," you sniffled, the tears were still coming. "You should have goddamn told me!"

Fyodor was staring at the ground, you wondered if he was even listening.

"Don't you understand how much I care about you? You don't trust me with anything, do you? I've put so much trust in you, w-why can't you try to trust me too?" you spat, you felt hysterical, your whole body was trembling.

You steadied yourself on a nearby table, leaning against it with one hand.

"I'm sorry." Fyodor repeated, almost in a whisper.

"You already said that! Didn't you think it was important for me to know? So I could help you if it ever happened? I had no idea what to do! I was so scared of losing you." you were sobbing. It was too difficult to force back any tears. You buried your face in your hands.

You told yourself that you would never show weakness like this again, but here it was. It was unavoidable.

There were a few moments of something close to silence. The air felt stale. The only things heard were your soft sobs and the ticking of a clock on the wall.

"I..." Fyodor began to speak, hesitating slightly. "I was afraid of losing you, too. I thought you would leave if you found out. It's a weakness that I can't overcome."

You uncovered your tear-filled eyes and looked at him. Fyodor was looking at you straight-on now. There was no visible strain in voice, but you could tell that there was truth to his words.

You sniffled. "For someone who's usually so intelligent, that was a pretty stupid assumption." you retorted "I love you. I've said that before haven't I? I love you more than I've loved anything before, and you thought that I would leave you because you have epilepsy?"

"It might kill me." He stated, turning his head to stare at the wall, away from your burning eyes.

"Anything might kill you. Anything might kill me, you damn fool." you laughed slightly as you spoke. You had never talked to him like this before, but it came out naturally. As much as he tried to act like he knew everything, he never could.

You moved to sit beside him on the bed. He turned to face you, and for the first time you saw sadness in his expression. It was so subtle, and it passed so quickly. But with all the time you had spent with him, it was evident.

You took one of his hands in your own, not caring if he protested. You rubbed the top of his hand with your thumb, hoping that it would provide some comfort for the both of you.

"We could die any day, at any time. That's life, isn't it?" you said.

"I suppose you're right." Fyodor murmured, "I love you..."

You smiled slightly, and a strange calm feeling seemed to envelop you.

Just like so, the two of you lived another day.

- 

The real Fyodor Dostoevsky had epilepsy, so I have a headcanon that BSD Fyodor has it as well. There are different types of seizures that may occur in someone with epilepsy, the type portrayed here was tonic-clonic. Tonic being the contraction of the limbs, and clonic being the unified shaking of the limbs. What was portrayed was proper procedure after calling an ambulance if it's their first seizure. Additionally, never try to hold the person down or put anything in their mouth. Seizures that last longer than 3 minutes could be an emergency, so make sure you call the paramedics in this case. The cause for epilepsy in someone usually isn't known, and 70% of cases can be lessened in severity by medication.