I ask myself if the end is taboo but honestly, I am scared to face the truth; all things end and this is the final chapter of this book. Just a few hours ago, I was only sixteen and now I am seventeen and facing my fear.
Ending a book to me is overwhelming; what have I done to deserve such an atrocity of grasping something so beautiful to cherish but realising that it is to be over in just a few chapters and then life goes back to a blank?
Therefore, this might be the final chapter of the book that I dedicated to the boy I loved, trusted, cherished, cared for and lived with but it is a new beginning nonetheless.
He told me yesterday when I told him that I didn't want to leave high school because I cannot cope with ending things that sometimes something just have to end for a new start.
When I looked at him, I realise that my feelings for him only increases like the days we spent arguing, laughing, loving each other and pranking. I always confused myself to be somebody who trusted easily but turns out, I misunderstood the term 'trust' with being socially active with people who did not know me or the things that made me who I am. The most scary thing I have had to go through is realising that I trusted him; my mind did and so did my body.
When I look through him, I realise that there is no greater thing than loving someone because loving someone does not mean that you would lose it all but you would risk everything.
He does not talk about the future, usually dismisses it with a 'I don't know what the future holds for us..'. I always thought that it was his feelings that mattered more but maybe he might have been taking mine as a priority while I did the same. Dreaming about a future together to me was okay because I think we can make it but I will not dream too much; I am not certain if he is scared of staying with me for whole of his life or if he does not want to think about it but I would call it a day and let him live.
The future is an uncertain thing, it is as unpredictable as a present and as beautiful as a melody. I do not want him to leave, I want him to stay. I do not want him to stay because he can't leave, I want him to stay because he wants to.
We are still young and some have said that young love either never lasts or lasts but the love fades and people stay just for the sake of staying together. I do not want to live a life of uncertainties, honestly speaking but I can risk it all for that one person whom my soul touches and yearns for.
My life is not something I gamble with and I am an unreformed addict who likes gambling for the sake of winning. I am not proud to say that I am proud of who I am; a contradiction mixed by two opposite persons who put me in this world and made me learn to live the majority of my socialisation process by myself.
But I do think I deserve to be loved.
We are nearing the end and I realise just how much I hate to almost make it. Because almost making it emerges doubts of whether this is a satisfying end or not.
I am seventeen and my life is not filled with uncertainties. I am a writer and this book was for you, anyone out there to know the story of how I met a boy and I then loved him to only argue with him that I did not but he knew and I remained in the suspense of not telling him because he was cruel enough to allow me the time to confess and when I did, I made this book.
Thank you Kushal.