Nobody was perfect, and I was not even an example that anybody could undertake. Tonight, we are close to knowing the result of the Presidential Election 2016 and I had chocolate cake. Hyper because of the amount of sugar, I couldn't stay still.
Exactly at 11:35, he contacted me via messenger and asked me whether he could call; and I thought, 'how lovely, I missed your voice. All that could make me feel better would be you right now.' First ten minutes were great, I shared with him my tangled thoughts about how outrageous I felt about Donald Trump and even narrated to him three stories I wrote when I was fifteen years old.
I had asked in between the stories whether he was still there with me and if he was getting bored; to which he had replied 'no'. So, I went on. Then he told me it was ten minutes before midnight and that by now it means I should get under my sheets.
And I exclaimed, 'I can't sleep', he asked me questions about why I could not, did I have some trouble, was I okay? Sincerely, I am not. I am a mess. I feel terrible. I don't like how I feel towards my body.
I hold on to the knife too hard that my knuckles turn white. I opened the drawer twice just to eye the bottle of pills that could shut my eyes and never open them again. I scrape my skin to hard while I bath and I have bruises because my conscience seems to hate that I have this skin. In essense, I think about killing myself a lot lately.
And I miss him.
I need him, so much, so badly and when he does not respond, I feel so unhealthy. I promised to take care of myself but hey, I tried. Nothing is really working.
I needed him tonight but he didn't respond in 'I'm here' instead said, 'I'm sleepy, night' and cut the call before I could even tell him that I love him.
I have ups and mostly downs.
And tonight, it is the most low I could have had to go through and honestly, I said I was terribly lonely but it was a plea to him to tell me that he loved me.
But in reality, I had an empty silence.
Was I not portrayed as a bother then?
My heart broke a little, I'd confessed.