How many days has it been since I last wrote? I have lost count just like I have lost my need to write. Once in a while, it does happen to writers that they lose it all; their means to be, to live, to wake up, to breathe, to eat or even to feel.
Ever since he left for Paris, I left for somewhere too and since then I haven't come back. I remember clearly, the day where he was about to hop on the plane for it was the most crucial moment of my life. I might have not been physically present there with him yet I still felt my heart getting digged out of my body.
I had forgotten all means to live then, in just one moment. I could not feel or talk without sounding like I did not care and as such, I kept quiet.
The Universe knows that I had so much to say on the last day that I saw his face but I could not bring the words out; for the first time in 5 years, words failed me. For I knew in the back of my mind that if ever I did came to utter the feelings out to him in words, I would cry. I did not need to hold him back so I held myself back.
I feel a lot of things very deeply, whether it is pain, happiness or nothing. Most of those who knew me, including him, thought that his departure would make me cry myself to sleep every single night but honestly, I do not cry. I do not cry not because I cannot feel but because he would not want me to cry. My love for him was bigger, stronger and healthier than my want to self-destruct.
When you love someone, you love them as a whole; with their flaws, their qualities, their quirks, their dreams, their needs, their inabilities, their way of living and operating and even their way of feeling and expressing. You put time in understanding them as a whole, you give them importance because they matter to you. He is my priority, the most important and he does not even know.
The person that I love as a whole loves me back, do you understand what that means? There is not one thing I would not do for that person because that is love. When you love, you give it your all.
You will stay up past midnight even when sleep is weighting heavily on your eyelids just to see his face and talk to him about pointless things that matters. You will work hard to make him proud even when your mind is corrupted with self-doubts. You will stay strong and keep your head high even when all you want is to go back into your coccoon because he would not want you to not take care of yourself. You force yourself to eat, to wake up, to live, to breathe, to be because you made him a promise that you do not wish to fail. You love him and he loves you, that is enough as reason to not give up.
Goodbye never had a good taste to my heart or my chaotic mind but for him, it is something I am willing to go through.
I would not give it my all if he was not worthy but he was and still is.
Allow me to play with my words and say that my life might be a story and I may be the author but without him, I would not have the need to make these chapters.
"I'm waiting for you to get back home."