If I Never Trusted

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Have a laugh about it, look at me with pity if you may, go ahead and believe of me to be a fool but I will still say, love is true.

All my life, I went through experiences of which I believed should never happen to anyone but then again, seeing what the outcomes were, I know what mattered most. The world is going to turn on its axis and people will never stop blabbering, somehow you will be your own ennemy but then again, words can bleed but just like Love, it also heals.

I came accross those who never believed in love, those who thought that everything had to have a logical, rational, scientifical explaination, those who wore sceptical smiles, those who had this look of otherness in their eyes when you talked to them, those who seemed so out of reach.

I met one of them, I met him.

To meet someone and to talk to someone and to know someone are very different things; yet, it all form part of the same constellation.

"You could have picked up anything to believe in, Hanshika. Why love? You wish to die a tragic death or something?", I had a cousine, name; Dana. Growing up with her, was just not fun but a part of my life no one knew about. She was a rebel; sneaking out of the house, going on illegal car races, staying on the roof and having her parents' liquor to replace what she drank with water, riding motorcycles. Everything a typical bad girl would do, she did but then again, sometimes you could see someone else instead of what she showed she was.

Daniella was simple, sad and strange. She would never allow you to be alone but then again, would never allow you to help her; in one of her last moments, she confessed that she did so as to not feel like she was a burden. We used to play pretend of who was Beast and who was Beauty and she would always assigned me as the ugly and cursed monster but gradually, I fell in love with my role and she hated me for it.

And while she sang away her lungs and spun in her yellow customised dress, came a day when she ripped herself off of the dress and adopted her leather jacket and black boots with her lips pierced and her eyes always sporting those dark shades eyeshadows with this unmissable smirk of hers.

She was a monster but I love her.

But no one was born evil. As a child, Dana had a trouble filled childhood that marked her so deeply that left her to be scarred and judged as deliquent, rebel, whore, cursed and there was not one moment in her life that she went against those labels that were attached on her.

Instead she took it all out on me.

Yet, I still love her.

I was bullied as a child for reasons that today, I understand why. Dana made all my friends turn against me but now that I think about it, she did me a favor; for all what she thought to be friends were only opportunists. She saved me unknowingly and ended in the trap herself. Yet, she was Dana and she was trouble.

At 15, her mother decided to remarry and Dana had to bear the filthy glances of her stepfather. She was closed to be raped but this is Dana we are speaking of, she was trouble.

She left home and came back two years after, no one knew where she was or what she did. By the time, she came back, I had distanced myself but she didn't leave me alone or at peace. She was Dana, so she came back in my life the same way she left, in total suspense; she hacked me, stalked me, scared me. Then she died on me.

Before dying, she said she loved me. I believe her.

"Dear Elle,

I could use some hope today. All my entire life, I've been nothing but a mean and selfish bully towards you. Instead of being a friend, like you've always been to me, I didn't gave us a chance because I was too afraid. We watched our favorite disney movie together and I always demanded that I am the Beauty while you play the Beast but we both knew who the real Belle was between the two of us Elle. I wouldn't understand till today why you were always so forgiving of all my bad actions and words towards you and I guess that was why I hated you, was jealous of you. I couldn't be better than you so I became worst. My mother always warned me that too much greed could kill but I never listened. I made sure you could never trust anyone but me, I drove away all those who were interested in being your friend, I even made you question your worth and I gained what I made you lose but I wasn't happy because you didn't want these things. I was a pathetic excuse of a friend and you stayed by my side despite the bad things that you knew I did to hurt you and I hated that you did. I hated that you loved me to the point that you'd rather be hurt than have you hurt me. I've been looking out for you since the years we didn't get to spend together because of me and I saw you hurting because you've taken tough decisions that made other people you cared about question your worth and I realised just how these people ressembled me when we were younger. I was jealous, angry, hurt and weak and vulnerable. I wanted you for myself and I drove you away from the good people and I attracted the bad things to you. Now I see you hurting because of the fears that I injected in you. But you're a brave girl, you don't know how to stop fighting. You're my hope Elle. Many blamed you for our broken friendship but these people didn't know the true side of the story. They called you names that weren't worthy of even being attached to you. You fought for me even when my parents left, when my so called friends played against me, when my mother remarried a monster and even when I gave up on myself but till today, I don't understand why you stood up for me. I guess, I never will. I loved you Elle with everything in me but I never told you. We could've made it you and me but I left. You're better off without me, the irony of it was that you're the martyr between the two of us. Living my life without you is not easy at all Elle but I'm proud of the girl who wore her pigtails proudly, who loved discovering things, who remembered all my special dates, who combed my hair, who made me cookies for Christmas, who took the blame of breaking my mother's favorite vase, who tutored me in History and who even hugged me when I had nightmares and allowed me to sleep on the marshmallow bed. I wrote this letter all to say that I love you and I miss you and I can't wait to hug you, kiss you and tell you how sorry I am. I spent my life trying to live up to the title I was given but in the end, you were my only friend. My dear Elle, for being my hope, thank you.

Forever and always(as we've promised),

And she left me, her last letter and her last breath.

Dana was trouble, Dana was a monster but I  love her because she was more than just trouble, more than just a monster. She was caring, kind, took care of my wounds even when she was the one who gave it to me, cried with me when my dog died, let me share her bed when I was too scared after watching horror movies.

Dana believed she was the roots of my negativity yet, she gave me reasons to keep trusting, made me hate suspense yet made me become more understanding, made me play as the Beast and had me understand how to love other beasts like her, like him.

And just like I love Dana, I love him.

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