If He Never Held Me

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Some things are very hard to say out loud; whether it is about your best friend playing the 'who cuts the tie first?' or even admitting that you are weak. To be honest, I wonder still whether it is humanely possible to admit out loud each one of your feelings without a little hesitancy.

Some days are crappy enough to give you killer migraines that would made yourself wish repeatingly that 'I would rather be in New Orleans.' But then again, here I am stuck on a small island and a quite conservative and unappreciated society whereby I have family and friends that I hold dear to my heart although I would not say it out loud every day of my existence.

Some families takes some of our efforts for granted while they boast about how much effort they put into you, and all the while you think, 'Was I not good enough?' Funny how family could be the one who stabs you when you least expect it but then again, family first.

Some friends could even make you wish you never knew them; that 'If I went back in time, maybe I would have turned the opposite way.' They make you love them until all you can worry about is their feelings and then they leave as if it was the easiest thing in the damn world. Despite how much you curse about them while saying if they ever found themselves in a sticky situation, you would not help, at the end you still do for you love them.

If he never held me today, I might have exploded. The boy in the glasses that constantly smirked at me showed me just how much his care could affect me and in a way, it was not just terrifying but also a feeling you get when you reach home after a long and tiring day.

It terrifies me how I trust him that much without even my mind thinking of other second thoughts.

It terrifies me how I can feel the walls I built around my heart melt whenever he demanded I looked into his eyes and tell him the truth.

What terrifies me most is how better I feel whenever he is around. Today's challenge might have been, to him, a failure as I got to prove him that his doubts about me ever touching his hair again were doubts I proved wrong. What he knows not is that so have I failed at a challenge; how long I could restrain myself from telling him what is bothering me?

At the end of the day when the bell rings and we are allowed to go home, I knew that no matter how terrified I was whenever I realised just how much he affected me, I would still choose to be in his presence.

And all of that might have not happened if I never met him.

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