Log Of A Dead Star

21. Confession #20

Yeah, this is going to be one of my really deep confessions. Don't worry though, all of this is from the past. So trust me when I say it's OK.

So let me back up some time. Like WAYYYY back. The beginning of 3rd grade. I lived with my dad in maine at this point. I know when we're younger we always get in trouble and sometimes it takes more than once to learn a lesson. For me, it was a repeating daily thing. What was the lesson I never got? Not to steal.

I used to be really bad with it. I would just steal things from the store or yards sales, I would steal money from my grammar, I once even stole my dads car keys because I didn't want him to go to work. This lesson I never could wrap around my head. It was around this time that dad put me in therapy. He never did tell me why I went to therapy, but I think it was because of my problem. He did it twice. After I left for Texas, it didn't really get much better.

This time though, it was only food. Just simple things like granola bars and fruit snacks. But my step dad hated that so much. There were so many incidents where I would get in trouble for stealing food. I never learned my lesson though.

In middle school, nothing got better. At this point, I knew what was wrong and that I couldn't do that. But I just couldn't help it. Its like trying not to breathe, it's impossible because you have to breathe. I just could not stop. Last year, I tried to tell my mom that. She just pushed it away like it was nothing. Typical mother, always pushing away the most important things. I never did steal more than just food though. Most of it was sweet too. I know I love sweets, but I think it can get to me sometimes. I figured out that I stress eat sometimes when I'm upset. This may be why I do that.

But mom won't do anything. That's when I realized that all she did was lie to me. When she told me she would find help. All she ever did was tell me these hopeful lies and threatened me. Same with my step dad. He won't accept any answer besides his own, so I never can explain anything to him. I tried telling him that I couldn't help it, but all he said was "yes you can!" But I know this to be untrue, at least for now.

I don't steal from school or friends, only when I'm at home. I guess that's weird, but oh well. That's how I ended up being. Weird. To this day, it still happens. I'm not sure what to do anmt this point.

But that's OK, it's gotten a lot better.