Log Of A Dead Star

20. Confession #19

Ayyy so I'm think for my 20th or 25th confession, I want to make it special. I think I'm going to make it a deep subject but I'm not sure yet. Anyways, back to it!

I just got off the hour long bus ride. I hated that bus ride. So much. I knew my parents weren't going to be home, mom called me on the bus to tell me that. I put my stuff away, made sure my grandpa would be OK, and went to my room to fold my laundry(which my step dad poured all over my bed, curse you!) I turned on my music and the first song that came on was Miss Jackson by Panic! At The Disco. I was having a great time just doing chores in my room until my parents came home.

I heard them pull in as I was still folding laundry. I just ignored them and finished what I had to do. Once I did, I went out to greet them. Really though, I just went out to get pizza. We haven't had pizza in forever so I was pretty excited. So far, it had been a good day. That's as far as it got.

Over dinner, we never really talked. I'm not sure why, but we just never did. Mom never asked about school, my step dad never asked about any guys he had to beat up, my brother never asked about how my exams went. I never mentioned anything either, because I was never one to talk.

"Hey mom, my phone minutes end tomorrow."

"I know."

"OK." That was most of the conversation that went on. Then mom showed me a picture of a house on her iPad.

"Me and Jack are going to go check out this house tomorrow. "

"Why?"

"To buy it." I thought it was going to be for the business they wanted to start, their nursing home type thing. I wanted yo make sure though.

"Why are you buying a house?"

"To move. It's in Granite Shoals,  so it's still in the school district." My heart dropped at that moment. Not again, this wasn't happening again.

"I'm not moving."

"Why not?" I couldn't answer her. No words could explain how I felt or why I didn't want to. I couldn't even look at anyone, or finish my dinner.

"Just never mind. Tim do you want the rest of this? I'm not hungry anymore." I gave it to him anyways. I knew he would've taken it anyways, so I just did it for him.

"Nuh uh, you get back here young lady and tell me why!" Mom did her tone of voice that would've usually scared me. This time though, I just needed to get out of there.

"Nothing. Never mind mom." I called back to her from the kitchen. I decided to go the back way to my room to avoid my moms gaze and grip. Once I hit the bed, all the tears came out. There wasn't even a good reason for it, just that the thought of moving killed me. I sat on my bed curled up in a ball for a good 5 minutes crying before mom came in. She never would let anything go.

"Why don't you want to move?" She threw at me again. I couldn't answer her. I could barely look at her. I was just broken inside at the moment.

"Edie you havent even looked at the house. See? This is the front yard... " she went off and showed me the house. It was OK, maybe my saltiness and brokenheart was blocking the true beauty of it.

"Edie look, the rent is going up again, and it's going to increase every 2 years. We can't afford that. And this is too small. You know that Papa is going to have to live with us for the rest of his life probably. We could do whatever we wanted to it, you could even paint your room! We could also have as many parts as we wanted. We wanted to get another dog or a goat. Wouldn't you like that? Plus Jack and I have to start thinking about retirement and where we want to spend the rest of our lives at. And you would have more friends out there. Doesn't Paige live out there? Maybe you could even find a job and a boyfriend..." All I wanted to do so badly in that moment was scream out in pain. Yeah sure some if those were true. Maybe she was right. But I still felt broken. She didn't know I had a boyfriend that could be moving out here next year. She didn't know that Paige was moving next year. She didn't know that I didn't know anyone who lived out there. She didn't know that I actually really loved where I lived. But all I could do was cry, like usual. I was a mess. Very literally. She kept trying to get my hopes up. She finally just left and I was allowed time to myself. I texted a couple of my friends the news. That didn't really help much though. My head was pounding, hurting from the many tears I shed. I went into moms room and got some medicine for it. I contiplated taking way more than I should, maybe the whole bottle. Then I realized what I was thinking and immediately closed the cap of the bottle and quickly put it away. I've been doing good this long without the thoughts, why are you coming back now? I cant even believe myself right now. I've gotten this triggered over moving?

I decided to make some delicious hot cocoa and add peppermint. It was pretty great. I went back in my room and started texting Low Jack. He made me happier in just a couple of texts. He still is texting me. But that feeling hasn't gone completely away. I can still feel it in the back of my head ready to burst out at any second.

I know tonight is going to be a night I cry myself asleep again. Just crying and crying, holding the one thing I treasure more than my life, a Teddy bear that used to be my sisters. Its wearing her baby dress. It always makes me feel more comfortable and helps me when I'm sad. It reminds me the most of her.