Log Of A Dead Star

2. Confession #1

This has been bothering me recently so here's the first one!

It's a sin, isn't it? Loving three people. And not just mom, dad, and sibling I mean your girlfriend, your ex, and another guy.

Here's the thing though, I know why I still love my ex. It's because of when I feel lonely and desperate for something. It comes in waves, and it's only when I am around him and I don't have my girlfriend.

My girlfriend? She's ok. She's awesome in fact. But recently, I've really been doubting our relationship. Twice it's happened. Twice. That someone else called her baby and she didn't do anything about it and the second time, it wasn't even me who caught it. The first was through a YouTube comment. Apparently he was only a crazy ex that wouldn't get over her. I talked to him through twitter dms. He said he had been dating her since summer, and that would make sense since there were a couple of fights during the summer time. But I believed her and kept that event tabbed at the back of my mind. Then recently, my friend sent me screenshots of a 20 year old tagging her in the comments of something asking if she would stay "baby". This time, she replied with "I will always be with you." That really hurt and I legit thought she had crossed the line this time. Then when I confronted her about it, she said he was just an asshole perv who needed someone to be his friend. I believed it again, but now, I am really concerned that she is cheating on me. And well, we don't see each other, we don't talk much anymore, and just it doesn't feel real anymore. Plus I'm still hurt. How can that happen TWICE? I just don't know anymore if it's worth it anymore.

Now what about the other guy, you ask? I'm pretty solid on my feelings. I started liking him in the summer. It started off as "I hope he asks me to homecoming" after I saw how sad he was that his crush was going with someone else. Then it evolved into "oh yeah I wouldnt mind dating him". Then it went into "I wish I could touch him right now, or he touch me. Even just a hug? A high five? Something? Anything?". I know I shouldn't feel that way but I do. And I'm not sure I've felt that way for any guy.

Maybe my ex when I thought I was in love with him. I've figured, he's leaving soon and he's only using me. I gave up on him. I don't think I could love him anymore, not after how much we've hurt each other...

Still, I can't really do much about these feeling because, well. I still have a girlfriend. Right now, she's my longest relationship. Almost 7 months. And I know the other guy has feelings for me too, but again, can't do much about it.

I've been thinking about breaking up with my girlfriend ever since the second incident. That just really hurt, and as my friend said, stuff like that doesn't happen twice with it being suspicious. And just it doesn't feel real anymore. I don't see our relationship going on after high school, I don't see having a life with her. I really don't. But with the other guy... I do.

He's the first person that I've liked so much right off the bat. He's the first person that I've craves his touch and wanted to hug him, wanted to hold his hand, wanted to kiss him and have had him not use me. It's like I found "the one" but I can't do anything.

It's a sin, isn't it? Loving.