Log Of A Dead Star

5. Confession #4

This one is related to confession 1 so yea, little lot nervous about writing this one. Because I know the minute I publish this, the person I'm talking about is gonna read it. But it's been on my mind ever since I made that confession so here goes nothing.

I want to tell him. Everything. I want to say all the things that are beautiful, which is everything, and all the great things about him. I want want to say all the things I imagine and all the things I wish could happen. I want to tell him everything about me. From the happy moments to embarrassing events to the monstrous things that I've done. I want to tell him even the side I hate and hide from everyone. The true me, the monster I hide inside my body. I want to show him the struggle and the pain I go through and show him how far I've gotten. I want to show him how strong I've become and how much better I am from my past years.

I want to hear everything about him. Every single little thing. I want to know him better than I know myself. I want make any and all pain he feels dissapear. I want to show him the beauty I see in him. The beautiful world we live in. I want to see his smile that lights me up inside and his eyes that shock my body every time I see them.

I wish I could go to the whole world and yell out "I love this guy!" I want to scream at the top of my lungs how much he means to me. I want him to hear all of it.

I want to feel my heart drop to my stomach every time I talk to him. I want to feel the butterflies every time I see him. I want to feel my heart speed up and threaten to break my rib cage every time I hear his sweet voice. I want to feel his hand in mine and how perfect that would be. I want to feel the shocks I get every time I hug or High five him. I want to see the fireworks of the greatest kiss with him.

I want to him to listen and see all of this and think "wow, this girls amazing." I want him to say "this girl is the one." I want to be the only one he needs, the only girl who he will ever love. I want to be there every second, living the fairy tale I dream of every second I'm still breathing.

I want him to smile brighter than every star in the whole universe, lighting up my heart. I want yo see his eyes tear up in happiness and feel the same way I do every time a thought of him crosses my mind.

I don't want him to feel the pain I do. When I know I can't do anything, when I'm just another ordinary monster, when the old scars Start to show again. All the tears I've flooded into my pillows at night. All the pain I feel every second. All the blood I've lost and all the perfect smoothe skin I've destroyed. I don't want him see the monster Ive become, and all the demons crawling in my mind telling me all these things.

I don't want him to see all my imperfections, all the things I hate about myself, all the ugly things about me. All the time I look into the mirror and see the uglyness of myself. All the screaming wishing I could be a beautiful person. All the comments that haunt me from my past.

I don't want him to hear the demons in my head, all the nasty comments haunting me from the past, all the bad thoughts I get these days. I don't to see him infected with my sickness.

I don't want to see him die from what's killing me inside. The cancer, the anxiety, the memories slashing on my insides. The pain that will never go away.

I don't want him to see every fear I have, every moment I worry over the little things, every thought that tells me "you shouldn't exist."

I just want him to see me. Like the way I see him, the beautiful inside and out person. The extremely caring, loving, funny, attractive, energic man. Even the mistakes, the weird little things, the oblivious personality. I love every little thing. And that's all I want him to see. It's all I want to tell him. But I can't.