Diamonds & Pearls

Diamonds & Pearls (33)-Reflection Leads To Redemption

            The controversy over my story had spread across the country. When I was taken, people at least somewhat sympathized with my story. When I was reunited with my family, my story was one that warmed hearts. But the moment I accused a white New York businessman of being the mastermind behind my kidnapping, I no longer warmed hearts; I caused rage. The hate for me grew quickly and strongly. Now they called me names that no young girl should ever be called. So no, my therapist didn't know what it felt like to be me. She did not know what it felt like to be hated for everything that you are; everything that makes you, you.

             When it was all over for the day, my parents came to me. I could feel their anger at what just happened reverberating through the air but I had already gone to my safe place in my head. I wouldn't get angry and cry; not today and not in front of him.

              At some point, we'd left the courtroom and gotten into the car but I didn't remember how I got there. My parents were speaking to me, but I could not hear them. My heart was breaking again and the sound was so loud, it drowned out anything else.

              When we got home, I didn't stay downstairs with my family. I dragged myself upstairs to my room and locked the door like I did every day now. As I stripped out of my clothes, I felt the tears coming. My lip began to quiver and my eyes filled with tears. All I truly wanted was to go back in time and change everything. I wanted my extremely average life back. I regretted so many things, including meeting Cole. It hurt to think it but it was true. If I hadn't been so into him, if I would have just taken heed to his warning, I would not have been going through so much. If I had just minded my own business, my family would not be downstairs fearing that I would kill myself.

              I remembered, just a couple weeks ago, telling my mother that I did not understand why I did not just die in captivity. I told her that it would have been better for everyone if I had. I still remember the horrified look on her face. Now everyone watches me so closely. I knew that when someone realized my door was locked, they would freak out but I needed to be alone. I couldn't take seeing how they looked at me.

              I hid from the world by burying myself under my covers and making myself sleep. It was cowardly but sleep had, for the most part, been helping me cope. The only time it didn't was when the nightmares would come back. For a long time after coming home from the hospital, I couldn't sleep. Now, I couldn't stop sleeping.

              For a long while, I couldn't make sleep take me. I kept thinking about Jim Howards and how I wanted to kill him for what he'd done to me. I felt a ball of rage coiling in my stomach and then it finally just gave way to a pit of sadness. I would never be able to get to him. I would never be able to hurt him the way he hurt me. The worst part was, as much as I hated him, I wasn't sure if I would wish this endless pit of despair on my worst enemy.

              I sighed and rose from my bed to unlock my bedroom door. I knew my parents would freak if they came to check on me and it was locked. Then I limply slithered back under my covers. Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat. I tried to find that calm place my therapist kept recommending.. I had not realized it but I was crying. Realizing that fact caused me to cry harder until my face was wet with tears. "Please," I begged into the darkness of my silent room. Please, Ya Allah help me. I don't know how to get through this. I'm trying to keep my faith in You. I'm trying so hard. Please make this right. I can't live like this much longer.

             I fell asleep sniffling with words ringing in my head. "If Allah wills good for His slave, He hastens his punishment in this world, and if He wills bad for His slave, He withholds from him (the punishment for) his sin, until He requites him for it on the Day of Resurrection." They were old words I'd read in Tirmidhi long ago when I was a different me. Something in this new me had recalled those words. Did these words apply to me? I was not sure but I prayed as I fell asleep that if I stayed patient, good would find me and Allah would reward me for staying strong.