Lost Stars

Chapter 8

" My thoughts are stars I cannot fathom
into constellations."

-x-

Reid

Have you ever been punched so hard that you felt winded?

The day we found out was a punch so deep.  That I felt constantly winded from that day on. But it was almost like I'd been waiting for this day. We're all bound to get bad news one day, So mine was finally here.

"Miracle nalang ang inaasahan natin dito." It sounded so foreign every time I said it out loud.Were we lucky to know? To have a warning? A reminder about the one fact that we all know is guaranteed

That we can't all be here forever.

So now we know that death is maybe on my doorstep. Sooner than we expected..

I'm still numb, still winded. But strangely, I feel grateful
That we've had a warning, a reminder.

Atleast now I'm aware that i only have few days left here on Earth.

There's no cure for my cancer. That's the truth i have to accept.

My mom.. She's the one who cannot accept it. Lagi syang umiiyak. Rinig na rinig ko ang hikbi at hagulhol nya hanggang sa kabilang kwarto. Hindi sya lumalabas. Ayaw nyang kumain.

I felt bad and afraid. Ngayon pa lang nagiging miserable na sya, paano pa kaya pagnawala na ako? I don't want my death to ruin her life.

"Ma.. " bati ko pagbukas ko ng kwarto.

My mama is a mess right now. Sobrang layo sa Mama kung masiyahin, madaldal, positive, jolly.. Did i ruined her?

Sobrang messy ng buhok nya na matigas at oily na dahil sa ilang araw na walang ligo. Ang mata nya ay sobrang pula at namumugto. Ang gulo ng kwarto nya.

"Ma, dinalhan kita ng pagkain." I told her habang inaabot sakanya ang tray ng ginawa kong breakfast.

Umiling lang sya. "Busog pa ako" sabay kuha ng isang box ng gamot at nilaklak ang tatlong tabletas ng antidepressants.

"Ma, tama na." Inagaw ko ang kahon ng gamot at inilayo ito sakanya.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry.. " she said between her sobs.

"This is not your fault ma. Wala kang kasalanan" sabi ko habang nakatingin sa mga mata nya.

Our eyes are the windows of our soul, they say. My mom's eyes are empty and broke. I know for sure her soul too.

What have i done?

"Nung una yung Papa mo.. Tapos si Baby Agatha.. Tapos..." another wave of uncontrolled sobs. "..ikaw. Bakit nak? Bakit? "

Naalala ko noon nung namatay si Papa ng dahil sa Leukemia o Cancer sa dugo. Para kaming binagsakan ng langit at lupa. Ang hirap pala. Ang sakit. Napakasakit mawalan ng mahal sa buhay.. Lalo na pag ama mo. Ang tumayong haligi ng tahanan at pinakaunang naging katropa mo. Halos mabaliw si Mama nun. Iyak sya ng iyak. Pero di nya pinapakita sa amin. Pero kahit ganoon, natutunan nyang kalabanin ang depression at nagtrabaho para sa kinabukasan namin ng kapatid kong si Agatha.

Sadyang napakasama nga talaga ng tadhana dahil ilang buwan pagkatapos ng pagkamatay ni Papa, ay nadiagnosed na may Cervical Cancer si Agatha. And for the second time.. Para kaming nasakluban ng langit at lupa. The feeling was too familiar. Parang cycle.. Paulit-ulit.

After almost one year of battling with Cancer.. She died. Parang deja vu. Sobrang familiar ng pakiramdam at pangyayari. Ang kaibahan lang ay kung dati ay si Papa, ngayon naman ang Baby Agatha namin. Our Princess. Our bunso.