The Redemption of Severus Snape

Part 35

"He killed a boy, Minerva. He was crying for his mother at the end. That boy was more courageous than me."

"You're being much too hard on yourself."

"That woman kept looking at me, looking into my eyes, and I just kept playing. I just stood there. I didn't even say anything. I'm a coward."

"Nonsense," said Minerva as she reached across the little table and took Lindsay's hand, "you're a survivor. That young woman sought security in your eyes and you gave it to her. You comforted her in the only way you could. There's no way you could've fought off an entire room full of Death Eaters, and you're certainly no match for You-Know-Who. You did what you had to do."

Lindsay moved into her own quarters the next day with protests from Minerva that she shouldn't be alone. She took her meals in her quarters and avoided the Great Hall. She slept little and paced the school grounds during the day. Hogwarts didn't feel right when it was empty. It felt like a sleepy distracted place. It came alive when the students returned almost like it had been resurrected.

With the commotion and clamor of hundreds of laughing gregarious students, came Lindsay's own vibrancy. She loved people. She needed companionship. The youngest students were her favorites because of their unending ability to see humor in mundane things. They were still young enough not to know the darkness that exists in life. She needed their innocence to help her heal.

Snape watched Lindsay from the behind the safety of a stone pillar. She was playing with some of the first and second year students; the "little ones" as she called them. It was nearly three weeks since the event. He'd been observing her at a distance, but otherwise avoided contact with her. He was deeply pained by the shattered look in her eyes. Lily would be ashamed of him if she knew what he'd done and wouldn't understand that he'd had no choice in the matter, and that hurt him more than anything.

Even now as she played with the children, all of them covered in mud and grass, she was laughing and wrestling with them and that shattered look remained. He knew what he'd done was wrong. He caused her tremendous pain, but justified his actions because he saved her life and likely his own as well. He would never have chosen to do that to her or anyone else, but the Dark Lord must be obeyed.

The Dark Lord knew that Severus didn't enjoy that type of activity as some of the other Death Eaters did. Even Lucius only participated half-heartedly. Lucius also didn't care for the more vulgar Death Eater activities, preferring to observe rather than participate. Lucius was too interested in his beautiful Narcissa to be bothered with other women. He participated just enough to keep the Dark Lord from tormenting him too much, but even he would've acquiesced had the Dark Lord insisted.

The Dark Lord perpetually probed them for signs of weakness. A spit-second of hesitation could forfeit one's life. Lindsay would have no way of understanding the Dark Lord's whims, but Severus did. Sometimes one just had to grit one's teeth and bear it. It was a pity that Lindsay was having such difficulty moving past it, but Severus had no regrets...well, almost none. There was one thing that really nagged him; the feeling of it. It was such a shock to him, and he was shamed by it. The act was unpleasant, but the physical sensation was anything but.

The very idea of intimate contact with anyone other than Lily left a bitter taste in his mouth. Skin-on-skin contact was unappealing, but the thought of exchanging body fluids was...ugh! Severus rolled his shoulders as his back began to itch. It wasn't like he'd never had opportunities. There hadn't been many, mind you, but there'd been a few; some had even been muggles. But he refused to do what his mother had done and settle for the first person who showed an interest in him. The things he'd seen in those women's eyes made him cringe. Lily would never have done those things. Lily was pure and loving, not cold and sleazy like those other women.