First Faith

Chapter 36: Connection

                  

Chapter 36: Connection

            I went out through the gardens, thinking deeply. Luxray was there, napping. Or seemingly napping. His tail twitched too often for slumbering. I walked over to him and knelt down, "Hello."

            His ear moved before he opened his eyes, looking at me head on with the same serious expression Roric often wore.       

            "Are you ready to leave here?" I asked him.

            He stretched, a small sigh of an exhale escaping his mouth carelessly.

            "I wish Demi was around so I can hear you."

            Luxray's nose crinkled as if he didn't believe me. Maybe he was right.

            "It's going to be too hard to say good bye to her." I started petting his mane, "I never thought I would grow this attached to a child... much less one with as much energy as she has."

            His mane was comforting. I didn't feel judgment in his eyes as he continued to stare at me, listening as if he truly cared. I decided to continue, "At first I thought she was an annoyance. But she has a heart I've never seen before. I've never seen someone believe and desire it in others before. Not like that. Not... lovingly."

            His head leaned towards me in agreement. And also to encourage my hand to continue petting him. But mostly in agreement.

            I stopped smoothing his fur, suddenly numb, "She's one of the first people I met who didn't give up on me."

            My breathing became more strenuous, as if something was blocking my airway. But nothing was. Yet the air caught in my lungs, struggling to move in and out. I pictured Demi, remembering moments with her. The way her eyes softened when she saw someone in pain and instantly went to help, not caring about the possibility of rejection. How she ran through the forest, searching for her Pokemon, mouth wide open as she shouted happily. Her confident smile in a battle. The intelligence she showed, the adult-like way she went up to people and took care of them. Her legs kicking back and forth on this bench in the garden as she sat near me when we first met, beginning this whole change.

            Yet again, my eyes prickled uncomfortably. But only Luxray was around to see. To hear my thick-voiced confession, "I love that little girl. And I don't know how I'm going to leave her."

            His head came up, his fur pressing against my face. On a regular day, I wouldn't even consider accepting his comfort. But on a regular day, I also wasn't close to letting tears escape. So I allowed the comfort of being hidden among his black abundance of warmth as tears did more than surface.

            You didn't treat her very well for someone who truly loves her. Luxray stated, though gently.

            "I didn't realize she meant this much until realizing I wouldn't see her every day. But now things are different." I breathed, trying to pull myself together.

            Then you need to act differently and let her know how you feel. Otherwise you are living a lie.

            Why did it feel so hard to admit my feelings? It's not as if they were romantic. Hardly. Demi was like a long lost sister I never had. One that I would have fought with constantly. One that I only now had come to appreciate and respect. And yet, despite how vulnerable I'd been to her already, telling her how much she meant to me seemed far more complex. I wasn't going to see her for a very long time, after all, "That would be too painful."