Losing Hope *EDITING*

Chapter 42

It's not your fault.

It's not your fault. It's not your fault...

No matter how many times I repeated the same words over and over in my head again, I couldn't get myself to believe it. I felt like a monster. Like a murderer all over again. It's as if my list of humans I have killed just keeps growing. How am I supposed to cope if I just have to end up killing more and more people? This isn't the way I want to live.

"Claire," Glenn softly cooed in my ear. I could barely register that he was wiping a wet cloth over my skin. "Claire please look at me. I need to know you're alright."

I refused, too scared of my own self to look at him. I fear that I'd see the monster I really am in the reflection of his warm brown eyes. I can't handle that. I don't want to see what I am. Glenn sighed besides me, grabbing my hand and carefully running the wet cloth over it. My gaze fell to our hands -a sickening guilt resting in the pit of my stomach. I pulled my hand away from his, standing up and walking back towards the door to get inside the prison. 

I needed to be alone. I needed to be away from everyone.

It's not your fault. It's not your fault.... it's your fault. 

I felt more and more guilty with each step that I took into the prison. Anxiety ate away at my insides. Regret ran through my mind. Sorrow filled my heavy heart. I couldn't gain courage to look anyone in the face for fear of seeing the accusations on their faces. For fear that they know Lori died by me sticking the knife into her stomach so cruelly. By not trying anything to save her after doing so. I let her die.

I stopped besides the open gate leading into our cell block, the sound of a crying baby making my hands shake. The baby only made reality harder. That baby. That baby helped kill Lori. It wasn't only me. That baby had responsibility too. I shook my head, walking in the other direction towards the guard tower inside the prison that watched over the cell block. I climbed the stairs, walking inside with wobbly legs as I shut the door behind me. I slid down the door, leaning against it with my knees pulled up to my chest. Harmful thought after thought crossed my mind. Making me feel even more like a monster. I felt like I needed to get away before I did something I'd regret. Something that would get me killed and hurt so many people I care about. 

Inside I felt like I was being eaten alive. How am I to every feel normal around this group again?

I didn't want to let this group down. This family. But I know I'm just set up for disaster. Something I do is going to have a horrible outcome. 

My hands went up to cover my ears as I squeezed my eyes shut. I'm not supposed to blame myself, but how could I not. How do I move on from this? Lori's death just keeps playing over and over again in my head. As silent tears found their way from my closed eyes, I slowly let rest consume my tired body. I slowly let guilt tear me apart in my dreams and I let darkness consume me again.

**

I slowly opened my eyes, my heartbeat picking up for a second before I remembered where I was. I was still in the guard tower. Alone. Like I should be. Like I should have been in the first place. I rubbed my tired eyes -carefully standing up as my legs were numb from the position I had fallen asleep in. I walked over to the window to look into the cell block. Everyone seemed to be gathered around Daryl as he held that child in his arms; feeding it a bottle of formula. 

Everyone looked happy. Relieved even that they weren't going to lose another of the group. And even though I didn't want to admit it, I was glad that Lori's baby was okay now that it wasn't crying. Still, deep inside me, I know I need to leave. When she gets old enough she'll know I didn't try to save her mom. Just like Carl and Rick will know. Just like everyone else. 

I turned my head away as to not have to look at the happy moment anymore. It wasn't right for me to. It didn't feel right. Once again, as if I was just dragged into this group like the beginning, I felt like an outsider. Like I was in the wrong. 

Scoffing, I shook my head, walking over and taking a seat back on the floor. "Look at you, blaming yourself for the inevitable as always." I whispered.

Lori wasn't even the only one we lost. We lost T-Dog. The nicest man I have ever met that risked his life for us on the daily. We lost Carol. Maybe. Nobody knows what happened to her either. 

A knock on the door made me jump, my head snapping towards the window to see who it was as bad outcomes ran through my head. Even though it was a face I was all too familiar with, my hands began to shake and my gaze hardened. What if he was here to tell me I had to leave? What if the group was kicking me out?

The door opened silently as Glenn walked in, his gaze never leaving mine. "I was wondering where you ran off to," He said softly. He spoke as if he was being cautious. Something that only alarmed me more. "Have you eaten?"

I nodded, a lie that quickly proved itself as Glenn held out a bowl of something and my stomach growled loudly. "I'm not hungry," I lied. I was starving. Plus it would be a good idea to eat now if they were going to toss me out. 

"Eat." He demanded, still holding the bowl out to me. I could smell the scent of cooked meat, meaning Daryl must have caught something and put it over a fire. 

I took the bowl, setting it down in my lap and looking at nothing in particular in front of me. "Are you hear to tell me I have to leave?" I asked -getting straight to the point.

"What?"

"Are you hear to tell me I'm being kicked out the group?" I asked again, my voice cracking a bit.

"Why would we kick you out?" Glenn asked, sounding genuinely confused. 

Licking my dry lips I shrugged, trying my best to act like it didn't affect me. "Because of what happened earlier.

"Claire look at me."

I bit down harshly on my tongue, refusing to look at him. If I was being kicked out I'd rather him just tell me now. Stop trying to make the blow harder. 

I flinched as my chin was grabbed gently and turned so that I was facing Glenn, a stern look on his features. It was an expression that didn't really suit him in all honesty. "Look at me and believe me," He started softly. "What happened to Lori was not your fault. What happens to anybody in this world is not your fault. People live and they die. You, nor I, nor anyone, can save everyone. You tried your best, Lori's death is not on your hands. Do not blame yourself." He begged. "It was not your fault."

Every word he spoke made my chest feel lighter. The way his tone was made me feel like I wasn't guilty even if it's just for now. His gaze made me believe him. All I could do was nod my head as I stared into his eyes, blinking multiple times to get the tears out of my eyes. 

It wasn't my fault.

Glenn was right. There would have been nothing I could do. No matter how much I wanted it, Lori could not have been saved. Everything he said made sense. Yet, I know it's going to eat away at me again by the time I see the morning sun.