Changing My World

So done with these feelings...

It was this point where I stopped listening. All I would hear is Ryan thinking he knows everything about me. He doesn't. All he knows is what I told him and what was on my file.

So yes he does pretty much know all about my past, my behaviour blah blah. But that doesn't mean he knows what is going on inside my head.

I'm so sick of feeling like this though. Sick of being misunderstood. Sick of people taking me for granted, lying to me, assuming I'm wrong. Not listening.

I don't even know who to trust anymore. I trusted Mike and he sent me away. I trusted Ryan and he went and looked on all the files. I never really trusted anybody else. The only other person I even confided in was Mischief, and it's not exactly like the dog can help is it?

I heard shouting from downstairs. I don't know who has shouting at who I I honestly don't care. They can shout all night for all I care. It's probably about what to watch of tv or who gets the last cookie or something pointless like that.

That's another thing about this place. People never take a step back and say, no, it's alright, you can have it. Everybody is always out for themselves. That isn't how we should have to live. Never thinking of others. It's stupid.

----------

I looked at the time.
18:34 pm. Still nobody has talked to me since I saw Mike and heard about Ryan and the files. I don't blame them. They did all try but I totally blocked them out, isolating myself from the people and their evil comments.

Yes they might have only been trying to help, but only because Mike told them too. I don't want their fake sympathy, I don't want their pity. I just want to be understood.

My bedroom feels really cold. I don't know if the heating is broken or if it's just because I'm all alone, but I can't help but shiver.

I grabbed my duvet and wrapped it round my shoulders and got up and walked over to my mirror.

I pulled off the towel that Ryan had put there and looked at my reflection.

It doesn't feel like me. My reflection shows a girl who has a few fading bruises and scars. The girl in the mirror looks distraught and tired. But that's nothing compared to how I feel inside; isolated, alone, guilty, ignored.

I would write a song right now. But I have no guitar. There's no point. I just stared at myself, feeling sorry for myself. Depressing I know. I even started talking to myself...

"They don't have a clue do they? None of them do. Everybody acts like they know each detail about your stupid little life when really, they don't know a thing. Family ties are one thing, but nobody knows what's going on in my head. Nobody. Not even me. It's just a twisted mess of thoughts, facts, opinions and suspicions all tangled up in a web of lies. How am I expected to be happy and trust everybody in this place if nobody has given me any reason to do so.

Mike clearly wants me out, Ryan apparently didn't think twice about going through my personal file. What's the point in even making a life for myself if other people are always going to be involved? Stabbing and poking wherever they can, trying to leave a lasting effect on me. It's my life, not yours. When I first came here I was told, this house is built on trust. You need to trust us. God did I try. I tried so very, very hard..."
This was where I began crying as I continued...

"But it's painful. Forcing a smile when you want to cry. Hearing a lie when all you want is the truth. Trying to get along with people who don't actually give a damn about how you feel. They only want to speak to you when they need something, or want something, or want to look like the hero. Well guess what? I'm sick of it. I'm sick of this life. I'm sick of all the people who claim to be my friends who I'm actually just forced to live with. Well just because I live with you doesn't mean I like you. The sooner you get that into your thick head the better."

Then Ryan strolled in like he owned the place. I froze on the spot and stayed standing at the mirror.

"I thought I said we don't need this?" He said, getting the towel and throwing it over the mirror again. He then turned his body to face me. We were only about 10 centimetres apart. He was looking down at me, I was looking down at the floor.

"I'm sorry for reading your file. I just wanted to know the full story..."

"So why didn't you ask?"

"I didn't want to upset you anymore"

"And how is that working out for you?(!)"

"Marie please! How do I make it up to you? I'll do anything!"

"Prove to me that I can trust you again"

"How do I do that?"

"Figure it out"

He took another step closer to me. His chest was practically touching my face. He's a bit taller than me and I can smell his aftershave. It reminds me of when we used to cuddle up on the sofa or when we were in the tent together.

He took my hand into his. "I know you trust me Marie. If you didn't, I wouldn't be standing here right now. You would have forced me out of the room by now"

"You're right, I still trust you. But nobody else"

"That's enough for me"

He wrapped his arms round my waist and held me so tight.

----------

We sat on my bed, holding each other and talking about life in general when there was a knock at the door.

We both looked up and watched as Mai Lee came in with two or her hot chocolate specials.

"Thought you might both need one of these"

I smiled at her as she handed one to me, and then Ryan. She took a step back but carried on staring at us. "You know what?" She started. "This is going to sound crazy, but everything that has happened to you recently, it's been a good thing. You've stopped obsessing over little things."

We both just stared at her with a look saying 'why are you even here?'

She seemed to get the message because soon enough, she did walk away. I know it shouldn't have bothered me what she said, but it did. I spent the rest of the night, after Ryan went to bed, wondering what she meant. Obsessing over little things. Did I used to do that? I don't feel like I did.