Born Confused: Malec AU

Chapter 20: Putting Life in Perspective

Alec's POV
Magnus didn't come home until late last night. I laid in his bed and waited for him. When he did I pulled him tightly to me and brushed my fingers through his hair. I didn't tell him anything, I just held him as he fell asleep. I stayed up all night, lost in thought with this. My brain made little scenarios in my head invoking Magnus and me fighting, Lydia and me dating, Magnus and I doing this, Lydia and I doing that. I couldn't control it.

Magnus and I walk separately to our classes. I get to Calc and sit in my normal seat, quickly shoving my nose into a book. I feel Lydia sit behind me, actually it was mea hearing her sigh. I ignore her though. "Alright. I made pairs today class." The teacher says. "You will be working together to solve math riddles. The first to finish will get 10 bonus points." He adds and begins naming the pairs. Lydia and I end up being partners, but it's because he based the groups in grades. A good Calc student with a bad.

I begin working on the first problem after Lydia and I made a table with our desks. When I start the third question Lydia speaks. "You can't do this by yourself." She says a little annoyed and I still continue working. "We can't ignore what happened last night. I know you felt what I feel Alec." She says with less attitude, softly even. "Yes I can." I say deadpan, then I add, "you have no clue how I feel Lydia."

I roll my eyes when she gets frustrated with the first problem. I sigh and flatly tell her how to work through it. She doesn't tell me thank you, she just goes to the second and again... she doesn't know how. Instead of going ahead to just go back, I work with her for the rest of class. We ended up being the last group to hand in the work which actually didn't upset me. I felt good to help someone out.

I walk to my locker to drop off my books when I feel a small poke on my shoulder. "Alec we need to work out what happened last night." Lydia says when I turn around. She put her hair in a side braid. I didn't notice her golden eye shadow, her perfect complexion until she is standing inches from me. "Nothing happened last night. You thought you felt something, maybe you do but I don't. I- I have a boyfriend." I tell her.

She shuts my locker for me and she against the locker. "I can tell there is a small problem with you "dating" your boyfriend." She says then flattens her shoulder blades against the lockers. The hallway has cleared up, no one in sight which means we are late for class. I shove my way past her. "I can tell they kicked you out." I stop with her words, my shoulders tensing. "Your parents kicked you out." She clarifies.
     I move aggressively fast towards her causing her to shrink into the locker. I tower over her by more than five inches. "Don't you dare think you can say anything about something you don't know." I spit.

     "I know you felt something. Maybe I don't know what that something is," she a pauses to walk closer to me. "but at least if you dated me you can have your family. You'd be able to see them again and they would regret ever kicking you out. Your brother, Jace? He won't be disgusted with you." She pauses to take a sigh. "I feel something for you Alec and I'm will to take a risk." She ends. I glare at her, slightly annoyed but also I have another feeling.

     I can go back home? I can see my family again? I shake my head, not at her but for myself. "You're confusing me! Enough Lydia. I can't take this." I whisper and turn away from her, walking. She grabs my arm and pulls me into a kiss. Her lips lock to mine and I can feel the passion she is putting in. Something inside me clicks and hurts. I want to say it's anger and guilt for what Lydia is doing but I thinks it's regret.

     I kiss her back. Do I regret choosing Magnus over my family? My hand moves to cup her face softly.  Do I actually feel something for her, for Lydia? She moves my other hand to around the small of her back, she wants me to kiss her harder. What about Magnus? I back her up into the locker and kiss her slower. What am I doing? I pull away and stare at her, warm tears begin to flow down my face. I can't tell why they are happening and I can't control them.

     I take a step back, biting my lip. She's looking at me worriedly, stepping forward which makes me step backward. "Alec please. Don't cry." She reaches out to touch my cheek my turn away from her. "What did I just do?" I ask myself out loud. "You are choosing your family. You're choosing me." I hear a stopping of shoes. I turn and see Magnus at the end of the hallway. He licks his lips and even from here I can see him shaking.

     He struts with anger towards me and stand right on me, pushing Lydia out of the way. "If you wanted your family so badly, you could have just never asked me out. I was never asking you to choose!" He says loudly, but not loud enough to interrupt the classes around us. I put my hands up defensively and start shaking them. "Magnus, please-" I'm trying to talk but the way he is looking at me makes me want to break down.

      How do you tell your boyfriend who saw you cheat on him that you were cheating on him because you don't know how any of your feelings are making you feel? "Magnus, I'm so so sorry. Please can we just talk-" He interrupts me by throwing his hands in the air. "You should have never told me you love me, Alexander." He whispers. His eyes are red from the tears flowing down his cheeks. He begins to nervously pull at his hair. "You should never have asked me out if you never were going to stay." He continues.

     "Most importantly," he pauses to catch his breathe. "I should have known this was going to happen. I should never have fallen for you." We lock eyes briefly before he looks away, disgusted. He looks at Lydia and points his finger. "Don't think I don't hate you. I can tell what you were doing to him, playing his feelings against him. Making him confused enough to realize that he "can't be gay" and "he needs his family and you can give that to him." You should hate yourself." He spats at her, pointing one last time before looking at me.

     "We are over. You're things will be on the porch this afternoon. If they aren't gone by morning, I'll throw them out..." He pauses to stand in front of me. He blinks a few times and moves his eyes from my lips to my eyes and to my neck... The hickey he gave me is still there. "Goodbye Alexander." He whispers and walks towards the exit. Not going back to class, but the front door. As the double doors shut, I grip my fists to my jeans tightly.

     My breathing hitches in my throat as I try to not sob snd hiccup for air. I look at Lydia and disgust fills my every nerve. I step in front of her. "If you every talk to me again,I swear I'll hurt you. I don't care if you're a girl.... I will mentally and emotionally hurt you like you did to me." I can't hold back anymore. "How can you just toy with someone's emotions and use them against that person!" I yell and immediately run through the door Magnus left. I need to.... I'm so confused. What am I supposed to do? I messed up and I still don't know how I feel.

     "I need Izzy."