Pushing Me Away

Part 9

I tap my index finger in a beat.

He hid it from me

I stop my tapping and stare down at my hand.

All these months.. Yet his happiness sometimes was genuine

I close my eyes and inhale some air.

But he hid it from me

I clench my teeth and bawl up my fists.

I shake my head and put my hands on my forehead.

All this freaking time!

I put my hands on the desk and I open my eyes.

I can't see very well cause of the tears that are blurring my vision, but I can make out a CD player.

I huff and click play.

I've lied to you
The same way that I always do
This is the last smile
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you

I hear Mike play the piano and I blink away my tears.

He looks at me and I see worry flash in his eyes.

I stare into them for a couple of seconds.

Before faking a smile.

Even the people who never frown will eventually break down..

Mike sings lowly and softly and I feel myself feeling more and more upset.

The sacrifice of hiding in a lie

"You, I'll go to you, I'll be with you... I love being with you."

The sacrifice of never knowing

I pause it and I stare at it.

I'm not just gonna sit here and listen to myself sing those words..
I chose not to walk away.

To be fair, I've thought of it.. Not gonna lie.

I didn't want to get dragged down into depression again.

I was thinking about me this time.. And it fucking killed but I felt like I had to.

I feel myself needing to listen to them words..
So I start pressing down.

Pressing down meaning: It's what I've been wanting this whole time..

I bite down on my lip hard.

I feel hot tears escape my eyes.

I'm sorry

Click

........ Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
But now I see
You're testing me
Pushes Me Away