Psychotic ✓

Chapter 8

I'm pretty sure there was a mortified look in my face, they looked at each other and then smiled at me.

"Oh look you're decaying, too"

My eyes shot open and I found myself panting and grasping for air. My chest is heaving, my heart is beating faster than normal. The door to my room flew open revealing Mike and another nurse.

Oh no. Please no.

"Are you alright?" Mike asks, "You were screaming, is it another nightmare?"

"I-I" I struggle to find the words. It feels like my brain is completely shut down and all I could picture in it is the nightmare. It was like the room is spinning, I can't breathe properly. The other nurse goes out and then comes back with a cup of water. She hands it to me and it took me a few moments before I reached for it. I wait for her hands to decay slowly, I prepared my screams, but nothing happened.

"breathe," she instructed, "inhale... exhale"

I did as what I was told. It somehow fixed my breathing once I drank the cup of water. Mike pats my back, drawing circles and it somehow relaxed me. I close my eyes heaving a deep breath and then opened it again.

"Want to talk about it?" Mike asks taking the glass of water and placing it down on the bedside table. I shake my head no. I'm not sure I can put my finger around that crazy nightmare. It was horrible and insane. I thought I was doing better not having any nightmares this past week, but then it all came haunting me back again.

"Do you need to go to the clinic?" the nurse who I learned the name to be Stephanie -- based on her nameplate -- asks sitting at the foot of the bed. I don't feel like talking, so I just shake my head 'no' again.

They still aren't leaving after a few heartbeats and so I finally gathered myself up and as politely as I could manages to say, "I'm fine, really. I need some time alone. Please leave."

The two of them looked at each other and Stephanie gets the cup of water from the table, taking it with her. Mike opens the door wide letting Stephanie out first. He turns to look at me, his eyes full of concern, and says, 'See you at breakfast, later' and then shuts the door closed.

I leaned against the wall, still terrified at the horrible dream. The decaying faces, me, Mike and the girl nurse, everything. What was that exactly supposed to mean? Why, does every time I have a dream that I can't seem to find answers? Why do more questions seems to come out of it than answers to the questions on my mind?

I bring both of my hands to my head, closing my eyes, thinking. My head is aching from everything. I don't know what time is it. And I don't want to sleep anymore. I can't sleep anymore, knowing that I'd just probably have a much terrible nightmare. It kills me. I feel like exploding. And I feel like I'm going even more crazy the longer I stay here not finding any answers.

I close my eyes one more time and I regretted doing it in the first place when the image of myself decaying came rushing into my mind. I tried so hard to suppress the screams that seems to be escaping my mouth. I feel so helpless.

And then a few moments later, I found myself crying. I can't help but break down in tears. I cried and cried. I wish I can get out of here. Maybe I'm better off out here. Or maybe it would be much better if I am not alive, breathing in this world after all.

Like seriously, what's the purpose of me having trouble in this world? What's the purpose of me still living when my life isn't great? When it's full of questions of scary thoughts of being locked up in here and can't do anything. I wish I could just die instead of staying in this damned place feeling like dying every single second, minute, hours and days of my life.

I wipe my tear stained cheeks harshly than I wanted. Maybe it's better if I try to hurt myself repeatedly. Maybe I would be numb to the feeling. It feels like I'm drowning. I'm drowning in my thoughts and everything about it gets dangerous and dangerous every time.

And then all of a sudden,  every single one of my nightmares, the ones I got since my first years of being in this sanitarium came flooding back. The thoughts, my theories about why am I here came rushing through my mind. They're all painful. It was like someone was gripping my neck, choking me. My heart started pounding faster again. I blinked back a few tears, I coughed again and again. I held on the only pillow on my bed, gripping it tight. I wanted to scream for help, it feels like I'm dying.

My thoughts, my nightmares, they're all killing me. I can't breathe.

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