Kian Lawley
It's been three months since the break up. I'm better, and it seems as if Andrea is perfectly happy without me.
I don't understand love anymore. It is like, falling in love is inevitable. No matter how hard I try to avoid the idea of falling in love, feelings just take over me. And I become a mess. I become just an emotional person, who can't even understand my own feelings. And I feel absolutely helpless.
The aroma of Andrea surrounded me. I was on my bed, staring at the ceiling. Everything reminded me of her. She hasn't even been in my room for three months, and yet my room still smelled like her.
It was as if everything decided to change to remind me of her. I saw children drawing with chalk on the sidewalk the other day, and it reminded me of Andrea's YouTube video. I couldn't even go on Twitter without seeing notifications about people who missed Kiandrea.
I had decided, it was time.
Time to get over her, time to move on.
It was time.
"Jc!" I shouted, then hopped off my bed. I went to his room, "Jc, can we go somewhere? Like a party? A club?"
He widened his eyes at me and realized my plan, "no, you're not going to become a fuckboy just to get over Andrea. You'll be okay Kian. Give it time."
I groaned, I should've known he wouldn't take me to the club or to party. I went back to my room and laid down again, staring up at the ceiling.
I closed my eyes.
Images of me and Andrea appeared in my mind. Every moment replayed in my mind, causing tears to appear, falling down my cheeks.
"Andrea," I looked at her, after she'd turned her pumpkin upside down and tried getting the seeds out, only missing the trash bag, so it fell onto the ground.
"It's biodegradable," she defended herself, "it's a pumpkin."
"It's biodegradable after like, eight years!" I chuckled to myself.
"No it's not," she stuck her hand into the pumpkin slowly, "it's not gum."
I continued to gut my pumpkin.
"Kian," she whined, signaling she wanted help.
"That's the fun part, you got to do it yourself," I informed her as she made weird faces at the pumpkin.
"No, help me."
I got up and walked over to her and began to gut her pumpkin, pulling out the seeds and tossing them onto the trash bag.
"Ew," she looked inside the pumpkin while I pulled out the seeds.
My eyes were now red and full of tears. I sighed to myself. Unsure of what to do. It was as if everything I did, brought back old memories.
More memories flashed through my mind and I opened my eyes quickly, trying to stop them. But I didn't. Instead, I closed my eyes again and let the memories take over.
"What was my first word?"
"Cookie." I spoke proudly, "bam, bam! Cookies right here! Look at this; Famous Amos!" I grabbed the bag of Famous Amos cookies and threw them to the side.
I turned to look at her and bobbed my head, like a chicken. She turned her head away from me, hiding her smile.
"Kian's breath smells so bad," she laughed, "did you brush your teeth?"
I shrugged and continued the video. I looked at my phone and leaned closer to the camera as I read my question, "okay so my first question is, name my top 7 favorite actors. But, that's too many, so just name my top 3. Okay, go."
I groaned and sat up slowly, remembering all the details of the relationship. It seemed nearly impossible to forget all the moments.
My head felt like it was spinning as I sat there reluctantly, wishing I could just leave this house, this state, this world.
"Fuck," I mumbled to myself as I swung my legs off the bed and rested my elbows on my knees and hid my face in my hands, attempting to hold back the tears.
"Pretend, you like, tweet at a girl with hearts and smileys. But then like, if a girl tweets at a guy with hearts and smileys, that's not okay. But if you did it, that's okay."
I chuckled, "that made no sense, but okay."
"Yeah, it made a lot of sense!" She raised her voice.
My head shook as I tried to erase the memories. They wouldn't leave my mind. No matter how hard I tried, they were engraved into my mind.
I stood up and grabbed my laptop. I sat back down on my bed and began to watch the videos she and I had made a long time ago.
"No, no. Remember when we went to, uh, not Scary Farm, and it was a baby ride. And we went on it literally six times."
I made a loud, squealing noise.
"It was fun," I said.
"Stop!" I shouted to myself, trying to erase the memories. I lightly hit my head with my fist. But it didn't work.
"Number three, what is my middle name?" I asked, my arm wrapped around her shoulder.
Andrea smirked, "Kian. Robert. Lawley."
"I don't think any of you guys knew that," I looked at the camera, "so--"
Andrea finished for me, "now you know."
"The more you know."
She and I raised one of our hands to our face, a small innocent smile upon both of our faces.
"Question number four, what is my favorite," I looked at her, pausing for affect, "color?"
"Blue," she said as she looked back at me, quickly turning her head.
We both looked back at the camera.
"Right?" She asked.
"Yeah, right," I told her.
Blue. It's blue, it's always been blue.
I smiled to myself, happy to know she remembered the little details. I sighed as I realized how much torture I was putting myself through, to remember these past memories.
I laid my head back against my headboard. My eyes closed themselves.
I decided, if I couldn't stop the memories from replaying in my head, why stop them? Instead I'd rethink them voluntarily.
