Rhythm of Music: Jonnor

Chapter 18.5

This chapter really isn't important to the story and it's kinda depressing af so only read if you want. Song is Heaven by Troye Sivan. I don't own anything.

Waking up in bushes is by no means a pleasant thing to experience. By the time I opened my eyes enough to see street lamps and a few cars driving down the street I felt as if I had been hit by a literal bus, who knows maybe I was, nobody cared enough about me to stop it anyway. I reluctantly picked myself up from the ground and began my hobbling journey back to my home. As I walked towards my street I began questioning myself on whether or not I wanted to return to my personal hell. Then again I couldn't think of somewhere else better to go considering the fact that I had just screamed at my boyfriend to a point that he would probably never want to talk to me again. Allowing my confused mind to wander to Jude was a mistake because it made me curious. Did he really care enough to check on me after the scene I had caused in the practice room? I pulled my phone out of my pocket just in time to see that it was at a sad 3% battery. Before the screen had a chance to turn black I unlocked my phone and saw no new notifications by the messaging or phone apps. He really didn't care.

My steps were seemingly forgotten as I turned down each street, wandering to no accord at this point instead of returning to a place I dreaded. I didn't know what was happening inside my head, I couldn't tell you if I was sad or if I was angry, couldn't tell you if I felt like crying or laughing until my stomach hurt. Part of me wanted to puke at the thought of seeing Jude again and the other part of me knew that his presence would put me back into a rhythm I wasn't aware I needed in my life. Inside I felt emotions swirl around and mix themselves together until I was left with a knot in my stomach, limited air filling my lungs, and an emptiness inside that I don't think I'll ever be able to explain. My conscious told me that being alone was the best solution for my pain, sadness, or confusion, really just whatever the hell I was feeling inside. But while my head told me one thing I think I know deep down that what I craved was human touch, to be wrapped in somebody's arms and a chest to cry into. Never before had I been so conflicted on the inside. yet the more I thought about it the more sure I was that one thing I needed was to let it all out. I know that I had breakdowns in the previous months but it wasn't enough, I needed more.

Breaking away from my thoughts at the sounds of a honking car I realized that I had somehow ended up in the middle of a street nowhere near my neighborhood. Upon my realization I settled on a conclusion, when you hurt so much on the inside, it doesn't quite hurt as much on the outside. In my wanderings I had completely forgotten about my sore, useless body. The thing about my conclusion though was that I would much rather feel the pain on the outside then on the inside, I truly hated the confusion that lay within myself.

Removing myself from the street where I was still stood, I slowly made my way to the sidewalk and decided that I welcomed the cool air of the late autumn weather, it made me feel more numb. As the thought rang through my head I took in a sharp breath and began to feel myself shake, I thought I hated the numb feeling? With so many thoughts running around my mind in circles in what seemed to be an endless game of tag I felt tears begin their formation at the corners of my eyes and the shaking of my body intensify. Here I was on some street I didn't know about ready to breakdown to a state of I don't know what. I could feel my breaths becoming more ragged and the ever present knot in my stomach begin to turn in a state of pure fear. All I needed was one logical thought, one logical idea on how to get home so nobody would find me and then I could let the walls I had built up for much longer than I realized down. I began staggering my way back to the streets I did know and willed my own two feet to move with each step. Much to my disappoint my anxiety worsened with each foot I placed to the ground. Out of nowhere air stopped it's way in my throat and my hearing became muffled so that only my dysfunctional body could be heard. This was it was going to breakdown right here in the middle of middle class San Francisco, and for some odd reason I didn't know if I was ever going to get up again.

Barking orders at my own brain I struggled to pull myself along until I finally reached my own street and pushed the pain back down into my stomach, not yet but almost. Stepping into the grimy home I was able to feel relief wash over my through the pain, anxiety, and depression. I practically crawled my way up the stairs and collapsed on the bed. Now as I was finally in a place where at least somebody would think to look for me, that is if anybody cared about me enough, I let my body collapse in on itself.

There was no more fighting it as I let the tears bring upon a closed throat, my vision fade out until it was focused on nothing, my ears to close themselves off, and my stomach to twist and tie itself into ways I didn't know where possible. For the second time in less than a week I let the edges of my vision begin to grow dark, but unlike last time I welcomed the darkness, hoping this time maybe I wouldn't be as lucky and wake up. I just don't know how much longer I can take it.

Sorry this isn't a real update guys. It's unedited and basically I needed to vent so this ended up happening. Once again sorry it's so short, unedited, and depressing af, I'll try to post a real chapter soon.

-Aly